Guarding Your Heart

There's a lot of emphasis put on "guarding your heart" in courtship circles.  Protecting it from future hurt.  Protecting the other person's heart from future hurt.  Disciplining against fantasies, wistful thinking, and being too desirous about marriage.

Not taking hearts lightly, check.  Not wanting to be hurt...not so much.

The concept of guarding may be a good one. But interpreted by many homeschoolers that I know, there are quite a few flaws.  For one thing, consider the concept of protecting yourself from hurt:

First of all, it assumes that you are the protector of your heart, rather than God.

Second, it assumes that a broken heart is the worst possible fate and should be avoided.

Third, it assumes that to break your heart is to permanently impair it, and you will never have that same level of joy in any relationship.

C. S. Lewis wrote that to love is to be vulnerable. That the only way to protect your heart is to keep it from loving at all.

And that's exactly what many courtship-pers do when they go about guarding their hearts.  They are emotionally and relationally stunted because they fear pain, completely missing the fact that pain in fact can make you a better person and that pain is a necessary risk of relationships.

I personally found this to be a great disadvantage in my relationship with Josh.  I guarded my heart a little too well.  I spent high school shutting out the thought of boyfriends - and therefore of marriage, too.  Unfortunately, that meant by the time I was ready to be in a relationship, I had no idea of what to do.  I didn't know what I was looking for in a husband.  I hadn't thought about the qualities necessary to marriage. And probably worst of all, I hadn't considered the qualities that I should develop to be prepared to be a wife. I came in mentally and emotionally behind the game, and had a lot of catching up to do.

One of these ways was in learning to think about relationships -- and even marriage -- as a good thing.  For so many years, relationships were off-limits. Thinking about or wanting a boyfriend was bad.  So to have one was a shock to my system!  I felt guilty holding hands in public (mind you, after we'd been together for months already!).   It took a while for me to get used to the idea that I was not only not sinning for liking someone, but that it was (1) natural and (2) God-given!

Josh bore the brunt of these insecurities, I'm afraid.  I did everything I could to keep our relationship on the downlow for the first several months, and sometimes pushed him away because of a false guilt complex.  I wasn't proud to be with him, and he could feel that.  It affected our relationship in negative ways until I matured emotionally. And I stopped protecting my heart and allowed myself to love him, things took off from there.

All that to say: love is risky.  And loving before you are ready for commitment usually ends badly.  But that time should be used in preparation for a relationship, and in realizing the joy that it may bring.  Yes, it might give sentimental high school girls a longer, harder wait, but it should also prepare them emotionally and mentally for what will be the longest-lasting relationship of their lives.