I want to start off by saying that one, I'm very happily married. Obviously even with some of my misconceptions, courtship worked for me. I enjoyed it on the whole. Sooo.....disclaimer. I don't regret courting. I regret the completely unnecessary stress that kept me from enjoying it more.
And topping that list was the pressure to get married.
Yeah, I know what you're thinking: um...isn't that what courtship is all about? Relationships with the perspective of marriage?
Well, yes. I don't think you should be in a relationship just because it would be fun, or just so you have an SO, or just to see "where it could go." I think a relationship should happen when you are in a position where marriage is a possibility, and each of your relationships should have a dynamic tension in which it either moves toward marriage or stops immediately. If you know you can't marry someone, get out of that relationship as soon as possible.
But one common problem I see with the homeschoolers of my generation is the intense stress of relationships. Even before she is in one, a girl feels like she's making the decision of her lifetime. Like deciding to court a guy means that she is going to marry him. After all, isn't that what people expect? Most girls I know (including me) tortured themselves with doubts, burning questions, and worries about the future before they would consider a relationship. "But how do I know he's really the right one???" And as a result, I've seen girls on both extremes: those who are unwilling to break off their unhealthy relationships because they feel they've already made a commitment, and those who won't give any guy a chance unless he's exactly what they had in mind as Prince Charming.
Parents need to understand this common misconception when teaching their kids about relationships and courtship. No, relationships should not be taken lightly. But courtship is not betrothal. It is not a pre-marriage preparation period. A courtship is a commitment to consider that person for marriage. It is a commitment to get to know him better. And it is nothing more.
There are (at least) three negative aspects of this perspective:
(1) the beginning of a relationship is so stressful that it is hardly enjoyed, and the girl is usually an emotional basketcase.
(2) some girls are busy dissecting every little fault of the guy's to make sure she didn't miss anything. This at once skews the picture: how could you ever want to marry someone if you only saw their faults, magnified in detail? This is why many girls won't give a guy a chance, and thus never understand what it means to marry a sinner and deal with his faults day-by-day, with grace for the moment.
(3) other girls enter the relationship with rose-colored glasses. Once the glasses start to fade, she panics because she is what she considers to be a committed relationship with a sin-speckled guy. And so she continues to ignore the faults, hoping that if she ignores them they will magically disappear. And so, like the girl who dismisses him without a second thought, this girl also fails to learn what is key in marriage: how to deal with faults and grow in the process. Unfortunately, this girl may also force herself to remain in a relationship that has faults beyond repair.
This pressure to get married from the very start of a relationship undoubtedly tops my list for courtship pitfalls. The girl usually perceives it from her social circles, sometimes from our parents, and then engrains it in herself. And that is why parents of all people need to help her understand: a relationship is not a failure if it doesn't lead to marriage. And as a dear friend told me, "no matter what happens, you'll be a better person because of it."
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