I've noticed that a lot of homeschoolers have some very set ideas of courtship.
Namely, that it's wrong to do anything but court. Dating = bad. Long-term relationships = bad (what, you've been together three years and you're not engaged yet????) Spending time with one person alone = bad. And the very worst... unofficial relationships!
I want to get some things clear:
1) No matter what your concept of relationships is,God can work in all ways.
2) No matter how you go about it, God is capable of writing your love story.
3) In many ways, the difference between dating and courting is just terminology.
There are "courtives" who get it very, very wrong. There are "daters" who get it very, very right. And there are some in both camps who are in that camp just because that's what their friends do.
I once had lunch with a friend who described courtship as a "cheap form of dating." It's true. There's nothing wrong with going out for lunch with your boyfriend. In fact, there's nothing wrong with even calling him your boyfriend if you want. What's wrong is when you don't put God first in your own life and your relationship. That's the only place any relationship at any time goes wrong.
If anything, I wish we had "dated" a little. Our surrounding climate was full of pressure. Too much gossip. No private places where we could really talk about and with each other without interruptions every five minutes. And the constant aura of guilt that is constantly with you on-campus: "um, I really should go write that paper." It would have been nice to go on more dates -- some of the most precious moments (and we're in agreement on this!) were our walks to McDonald's for dollar sundaes, or walks down the nearby bike trail. Didn't break the bank, and provided some "just us" time that we desperately needed to grow as a couple. Yes, socialize in groups. But by no means miss out on socializing with each other.
Parents, you understand that relationships need time alone. But your kids more often than not misunderstand courtship to mean the opposite of dating. In reality, the only important difference is the philosophy behind them. To court should only mean to date with a purpose, with full transparency and accountability. It does not mean throw the baby out with the bathwater.
And it certainly doesn't mean to look down upon those who choose to call it "dating" rather than "courting."
We have tried to delineate between "recreational dating" and "dating with a purpose". I also see kids who are supposedly "courting", but after each relationship ends in a month, it seems like they are really recreational dating. It certainly isn't about the words. It's about the heart and about the intent. I'm loving this window to your soul! :-D
ReplyDeleteI understand the delineation, but I do think that a good courtship CAN end in a month. In fact,I think a courtship is more likely to end in a month - if it becomes clear at any point in the relationship that marriage isn't going to work out, then the courtship philosophy is to break up immediately, to avoid that "recreational" end.
ReplyDeleteAs a result,I've had quite a few good, godly friends break up very soon after their relationships started because they started asking each other the tougher questions and realized that marriage wouldn't be possible.
Do you think that the same person can get in several "courtships" in one year? I guess that is the "model" I have been seeing, and I'm dubious about it.
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