Too Much Good Stuff

Lately I keep reading articles online, and thinking "Man, this is so good.  I have to remember this one."  And I have to share them too.  So here's a list of my favorites this month - seriously, give some of them a read.

1)  I once did a post on why the approach to purity taken with teen girls today just doesn't work.  This is probably the best article I've seen that sums it up: telling girls to be pure for their future husbands does them a serious disservice.

  "Christ is the source of everything we need and the giver of all good gifts … but in telling people about Him, it’s possible we’ve sold them on a solution for life’s problems and not life itself."

2)  From my political theory professor at PHC, the rhetoric of a culture "war" has done more harm than good.  So how do we change the culture?

"One solution looks primarily to the political arena for redress; the other, like the Good Samaritan, takes the wounded traveler and cares for him. Do you want to change the culture? Practice hospitality."


3)  Homeschoolers in particular really tout the family as their central values.  But should it be the center?  As a brand-new SAHM, this article is really challenging.   h/t my pastor for sharing it.

"But I found myself, while he described the feelings of idolatry---the sense that this is my whole life, this is what I live for, this is what I dream of, this is what completes me and gives me significance---thinking that, for me, this is family."

4)  Also shared by my pastor, this article addresses the issue of parenting with grace that I referenced earlier on my blog.

I begin by saying, "Remember how Jesus said we were to treat one another?"

"I'm not Jesus!" my oldest responds immediately, his face scrunched up as his feet stomp the tile floor.

5)  As I rediscover the love of reading, this article is a real challenge.  Both homeschoolers who overshelter their children and those who are eager to read all different viewpoints can take heed of this one.  We are not to isolate ourselves culturally...but we also aren't to confuse "engaging" the culture with unqualified enjoyment of the culture.

"Second, we've gone off the rails in confusing cultural engagement with consumerism and entertainment"

6)  Finally, remember my friend who I quoted on gourmet meals?  She posted this link, which is hands-down my favorite post EVER.  I swear they just changed the name of one of my facebook friends, who practically makes these posts verbatim.

"People continue to check Molly’s posts out of morbid curiosity.
“It’s an exercise in ‘How is my life inferior today?’” says one. “If it doesn’t kill you, it makes you stronger.”

A Little Context

So to explain my understanding of courtship a little, it may help to know the background of our relationship. So this is it from the beginning to the end.

June 2006: I meet Josh and Aaron at NCFCA Nationals in Virginia.  I'm very focused on being friendly, so I introduce myself.  Josh is a little aloof, so I promptly decide that Aaron is the friendlier twin.

[just a note: Josh's Dad heard me speak at the same tournament, and there's a very neat "look-how-God-was-working" story there that comforted me quite a bit during our courtship.  Ask me sometime.  :)]

August 2006: I start Distance Learning classes, and Josh and Aaron are in my U.S. History class.  They are nerdy and VERY outgoing.  They also didn't remember meeting me at the tournament.

August 2007: We meet again the Sunday before freshmen orientation at church.  Another DL friend was there who I was VERY excited about meeting, so when the twins came over to "introduce" themselves, I kinda blew them off.  I felt bad for being so rude, but figured we probably wouldn't be that great of friends anyway....

October 2007:  The fateful debate trip.  14 hours in a van to Anderson, Indiana during which everyone fell asleep except Josh and me.  He cites this as the beginning of his interest.  I just remember singing Disney songs.  [incidentally, the artist of "our song" hails from Anderson, Indiana].

November 2007 - April 2008: Josh suddenly starts popping up at my lunch tables, in my social circles, and just about everywhere I am.  A thought starts formulating in the back of my mind that perhaps I need to be careful with this good-hearted but very extroverted guy (I definitely was NOT going to marry an extrovert).

May 2008: At Kaalo and Corrie's graduation, Josh comes over to say goodbye for the summer. Suddenly, his whole family troops over to meet me.  Awkward.  Thought in back of my mind jumps instantly to the front of my mind.

September 1, 2008: After a summer of short IMs, Josh surprises me outside of my dorm on the way to dinner and asks if he can walk me up.  My stomach sinks...and he proceeds to ask if we could have anything more than friendship.  I tell him flatly (1) I'm not interested.  At all.  and (2) I'm not allowed to be in a relationship until senior year anyway, so too bad.

I call my dad and tell him everything.  Realizing that senior year is not that far off, and I know absolutely nothing about courtship, I start asking questions about what a relationship means and how we plan to go about it.  The result of that conversation: Dad decides that perhaps the spring of my junior year is an appropriate time, but that he does not want me approaching any guy about that(i.e., if I were to start liking Josh, I couldn't tell him the deadline had moved up six months).

September 2 - December, 2008:  Pretty flat-out miserable.  Being on a campus of 300 people makes it hard to avoid people, especially people whose hearts you have broken.  And on top of it all, I was in physics that semester. With Josh.  And I told exactly 3 people (my roommates and my RA)about our conversation, so trying to keep a secret didn't help the heartache heal.

Last day of school, 2008:  Leaving for home on Christmas break, I walk out of my dorm at 4:30am with my suitcase and there is Josh to see me off.  My first reaction was glee.  My second reaction was "why in the world are you happy to see him???" On the plane ride home, I decided I might be interested, especially after a semester of watching him closely.

My computer died that Christmas break, so I had a full three weeks without any contact with him.  That was a good time for me to sort things out.

January - March 12, 2009:  Miserable. That about sums those months up as I wrestled with not being able to tell Josh that yes, I was actually interested, and yes, we could be in a relationship.  To compound the problem, I was incredibly secretive about it and told only my roommate, which meant for the most part I struggled very much alone.

March 13: That morning, I wrote in my journal that I was going to keep wrestling with God until I came to a conclusion about Josh.

That afternoon, Josh noticed that I was upset about something. In an IM, he asked if he could come over and try to cheer me up.  I asked him to give me half an hour and called my dad.

When he did come over, it was a very awkward conversation. My frustration was entirely about him, but I couldn't tell him that.  Instead, I had to wait for him to say something -- but he knew that I couldn't be in a relationship!  It was hopeless and uncomfortable...until he asked me "Um...I don't want to be forward or anything...but...am I the cause of your frustration?"

Never have I been happier to be asked a question.  Oh wait, nm...maybe last January.  ;)

We had a long walk and talk that day that cleared up a lot and ended with me giving Josh my dad's phone number and email address. But in my distraction, I accidentally gave him my mom's phone number instead...

April 23: My dad finally gives the final approval for us to be in a relationship.  The month and a half in-between was a hard, but good, experience.  The "unofficial" relationship I had so often despised in others was my own now, and what a humility lesson it was!  To be open about my feelings, hopes, dreams, but not too open...to wait, and yet still have a guy that I was in some sort of relationship with...it's a delicate balance.

We spent the summer communicating through letters and IMs.  Because of my class schedule, Josh's work schedule, and the time difference, we rarely talked in real time.  For an uncertain, brand-new relationship plagued by my insecurities about being in a relationship in general, Josh sure had a lot to put up with!  I returned from the summer not quite sure how our purposes aligned, and spent the first two weeks of school in serious prayer deciding whether or not marriage was a possibility and whether the relationship should be continued.  After watching Josh handle my confusion in a very serious, gentle, and wise way, I decided that perhaps we could work through our differences.

September 7, 2009:  Almost a year exactly after I first told him no, Josh asked me to officially court him. We held hands for the first time, and this is when Josh first told me that I loved him.  I didn't quite work up the nerve to reciprocate for a couple more days, but I broke down eventually.  :)

January 3, 2010: Less than a year ago, I visited Josh's family in Hawaii and promised to become Josh's wife.  The rest is history - at least for the courtship phase!  There was oh-so-much-more to be learned in the engagement phase, but that ended the uncertainty stage!

So that's the brief timeline, from beginning to the end of the beginning.  Hopefully that lays out a little more background of how our courtship looked.

Guarding Your Heart

There's a lot of emphasis put on "guarding your heart" in courtship circles.  Protecting it from future hurt.  Protecting the other person's heart from future hurt.  Disciplining against fantasies, wistful thinking, and being too desirous about marriage.

Not taking hearts lightly, check.  Not wanting to be hurt...not so much.

The concept of guarding may be a good one. But interpreted by many homeschoolers that I know, there are quite a few flaws.  For one thing, consider the concept of protecting yourself from hurt:

First of all, it assumes that you are the protector of your heart, rather than God.

Second, it assumes that a broken heart is the worst possible fate and should be avoided.

Third, it assumes that to break your heart is to permanently impair it, and you will never have that same level of joy in any relationship.

C. S. Lewis wrote that to love is to be vulnerable. That the only way to protect your heart is to keep it from loving at all.

And that's exactly what many courtship-pers do when they go about guarding their hearts.  They are emotionally and relationally stunted because they fear pain, completely missing the fact that pain in fact can make you a better person and that pain is a necessary risk of relationships.

I personally found this to be a great disadvantage in my relationship with Josh.  I guarded my heart a little too well.  I spent high school shutting out the thought of boyfriends - and therefore of marriage, too.  Unfortunately, that meant by the time I was ready to be in a relationship, I had no idea of what to do.  I didn't know what I was looking for in a husband.  I hadn't thought about the qualities necessary to marriage. And probably worst of all, I hadn't considered the qualities that I should develop to be prepared to be a wife. I came in mentally and emotionally behind the game, and had a lot of catching up to do.

One of these ways was in learning to think about relationships -- and even marriage -- as a good thing.  For so many years, relationships were off-limits. Thinking about or wanting a boyfriend was bad.  So to have one was a shock to my system!  I felt guilty holding hands in public (mind you, after we'd been together for months already!).   It took a while for me to get used to the idea that I was not only not sinning for liking someone, but that it was (1) natural and (2) God-given!

Josh bore the brunt of these insecurities, I'm afraid.  I did everything I could to keep our relationship on the downlow for the first several months, and sometimes pushed him away because of a false guilt complex.  I wasn't proud to be with him, and he could feel that.  It affected our relationship in negative ways until I matured emotionally. And I stopped protecting my heart and allowed myself to love him, things took off from there.

All that to say: love is risky.  And loving before you are ready for commitment usually ends badly.  But that time should be used in preparation for a relationship, and in realizing the joy that it may bring.  Yes, it might give sentimental high school girls a longer, harder wait, but it should also prepare them emotionally and mentally for what will be the longest-lasting relationship of their lives.

Courtship: Get married right away!

I want to start off by saying that one, I'm very happily married. Obviously even with some of my misconceptions, courtship worked for me.  I enjoyed it on the whole. Sooo.....disclaimer. I don't regret courting.  I regret the completely unnecessary stress that kept me from enjoying it more.

And topping that list was the pressure to get married.

Yeah, I know what you're thinking: um...isn't that what courtship is all about? Relationships with the perspective of marriage?

Well, yes.  I don't think you should be in a relationship just because it would be fun, or just so you have an SO, or just to see "where it could go." I think a relationship should happen when you are in a position where marriage is a possibility, and each of your relationships should have a dynamic tension in which it either moves toward marriage or stops immediately.  If you know you can't marry someone, get out of that relationship as soon as possible.

But one common problem I see with the homeschoolers of my generation is the intense stress of relationships. Even before she is in one, a girl feels like she's making the decision of her lifetime.  Like deciding to court a guy means that she is going to marry him. After all, isn't that what people expect? Most girls I know (including me) tortured themselves with doubts, burning questions, and worries about the future before they would consider a relationship. "But how do I know he's really the right one???"  And as a result, I've seen girls on both extremes: those who are unwilling to break off their unhealthy relationships because they feel they've already made a commitment, and those who won't give any guy a chance unless he's exactly what they had in mind as Prince Charming.

Parents need to understand this common misconception when teaching their kids about relationships and courtship.  No, relationships should not be taken lightly.  But courtship is not betrothal. It is not a pre-marriage preparation period.  A courtship is a commitment to consider that person for marriage.  It is a commitment to get to know him better. And it is nothing more.

There are (at least) three negative aspects of this perspective:

(1) the beginning of a relationship is so stressful that it is hardly enjoyed, and the girl is usually an emotional basketcase.

(2) some girls are busy dissecting every little fault of the guy's to make sure she didn't miss anything.  This at once skews the picture: how could you ever want to marry someone if you only saw their faults, magnified in detail?  This is why many girls won't give a guy a chance, and thus never understand what it means to marry a sinner and deal with his faults day-by-day, with grace for the moment.

(3) other girls enter the relationship with rose-colored glasses. Once the glasses start to fade, she panics because she is what she considers to be a committed relationship with a sin-speckled guy.  And so she continues to ignore the faults, hoping that if she ignores them they will magically disappear.  And so, like the girl who dismisses him without a second thought, this girl also fails to learn what is key in marriage: how to deal with faults and grow in the process.  Unfortunately, this girl may also force herself to remain in a relationship that has faults beyond repair.

This pressure to get married from the very start of a relationship undoubtedly tops my list for courtship pitfalls.  The girl usually perceives it from her social circles, sometimes from our parents, and then engrains it in herself. And that is why parents of all people need to help her understand: a relationship is not a failure if it doesn't lead to marriage.  And as a dear friend told me, "no matter what happens, you'll be a better person because of it."

This Courtship Generation

This morning I was thinking about various conversations over the last year, and I came to a conclusion:

This generation of courting homeschoolers are lost relationally.

Not that they don't have relationships (because they ARE socialized!), but that when they are in a relationship, or thinking about being in one, they are confused. Their parents didn't practice courtship.  They've heard dating horror stories.  But they don't know what a good courtship looks like. All they have are the books and platitudes of older couples burned with broken hearts and bitter tears.  My generation has heard a lot of "don't"s.  But they just don't know what the "do's" are.

This became evident my final semester, when I was engaged. All of a sudden I was the relational guru on campus.  Girls I hardly knew asked me for advice that semester.  I would know nothing about them except all their relationship woes, wonderings, and wishes.  It was like having navigated a successful courtship gave me a wealth of experience - something that others desperately wanted to understand.  It had nothing to do with me.  It had everything to do with being a novelty - one of the first in my circles to try my hand at this courtship thing.

Am I a relationship expert?  No - I don't believe there really is such a thing.  But I welcomed the questions, because there are a lot of hurting hearts with undue pressures, misconceptions, and erroneous ideas.  I am not a fountain of "courtship wisdom."  But I did have a textbook courtship.

Yes, a textbook courtship.  What is that anyway?  Josh and I each were in only one relationship.  When my dad said "wait," we obeyed and waited. We prayed and had Bible study together.  We held hands for the first time after five months of being together - which was when we said "I love you" too.  We were open with our parents every step of the way, as well as with our accountability partners.  We had our first kiss at the altar.  What isn't textbook about that?

And that's why I feel qualified to criticize some of our ideas of what a good courtship entails: because I had one.  In blog post, it looks textbook.  In reality, there were all sorts of pitfalls.  And I watch others fall into the same ones just as naively as I did.

That's why I write this: I want to explain not only to girls, but to their parents, the areas of courtship that need a little more clarity.  I think oftentimes the parents understand and had no intention of leading their children into these misunderstandings.  But because they were never in that situation, they don't realize the disconnect between the advice our girls hear and the interpretations they are given.  And that causes a lot of heartache.

So I'm going to attempt to dreg up the uglier parts of our courtship: the things I was blinded to, the misconceptions I had, the pressure I submitted to because I didn't know there could be a better option.  And hopefully, it will help someone else avoid the same.

Purity: Not Just for Yourself

It seems to me that the evangelical church overemphasizes some reasons for purity in teenagers.  The main argument being made is that if you do not save yourself for marriage, then someday you are going to get married and be ashamed.  That the reason for purity is so that you can be wholly your husband's (or wife's), and not have any past lovers to compare/be compared to in bed.

No wonder so many evangelical teens are hopping into bed!  If this is their reason for remaining a virgin, then why stay pure when you meet the person you're sure you are going marry?  Even more, what about once you're engaged?  You have a promise already -- so if you're only saving yourself for your future spouse's sake, what's the harm?  Why should the night before the wedding be different from the night of the wedding?  The promise has already been made and waits only for formalization before witnesses.

No indeed, to be surprised at immorality among Christian couples, we would have to be hopelessly naive.  We have offered teens a self-centered reason to stay pure, without any deeper explanation.  If they remain virgins, we promise them only the ability to avoid guilt.  We ask them to mortify their bodies for the sake of...what?  Future pleasure?  If that's the reason, and they can avoid the guilt, why shouldn't they have pleasure now?  And then we throw a cherry on top and tell them that God says so, because He wants to protect them from shame.

Yes, God says so.  But it's not all about us (that's just an added side benefit).  God yearns jealously for us and wants us to sanctify our bodies for His service (Romans 12:1-2).  He wants the virgin to be wholly occupied with pleasing God, not a man who she thinks will be her husband.  If we want Christian teens to be significantly different from their peers in the area of sexual activity, then we need to stop giving poor explanation and get down to the root of the issue.

God wants the unmarried to remain pure because their focus needs to be on God (I Corinthians 7).  The point is NOT the number of girlfriends that a guy will be shamefully remembering on his wedding day (an argument which, by the way, leads to a huge error in the courtship camp).  The point is that purity is from God.  He still loves the harlot (as in Hosea), but He longs for His bride to be characterized by chastity.  He longs for those whom He has called to be single, and who are single for a short while longer, to be devoted to Him as Paul was.

Our kids coming through the churches today need to understand that sexual purity is not something that is good because it will save them from hurt.  They need to understand that sexual purity is good because God has decreed it to be so, for His service, and that they will be hurt by fornication BECAUSE it is bad.

A convincing argument? No, for an unbeliever.  But it is the only true justification for sexual purity.  Without God's jealousy for us, there is no reason for a teen or fiancee to remain pure.

And as for what makes the night before the wedding different from the wedding night?  Vows are taken before God, and it is He who joins together.  Up until that time, when man and woman become one not through their own strength but through a divine calling, "the Lord is your husband."