This article is very very good.
I've been thinking about blogging a lot lately, but when I get home from work, all desire to sit at a computer flees. My job is like running a daily marathon -exhausting, demanding, but satisfying. The end of the fiscal year is coming up, and then the auditors come. Which means I am chin-deep in paperwork. But my boss is happy with my job, our supporters are happy with my job, and I'm happy with my job. And that's a good thing.
Thursday, March 24, 2011
Saturday, March 12, 2011
Love Another Child
I recently read the book Love Another Child, by the Jeubs. I didn't see anything I didn't agree with - children are a blessing, don't push them off until it's too late, open your heart to love them, etc. But I feel that their message needs an added element: preparation.
Children are a blessing - yes. Always a blessing - yes. But they are not an unqualified blessing. An unqualified blessing is one that is a blessing in all seasons of life, and equally desireable to all people. But I find that to quite clearly and obviously false. If it were, then there would be no problem with having children born out of wedlock.
That indicates that there is a certain amount of preparation that is needed to start having children. I know married couples who are too selfish to be good parents - would having children be a blessing to them? Surely they would love their children as blessings. But if they don't have a strong marriage, I would caution them against having children. They are simply not equipped to parent well and will hurt their children with bitter fights between mom and dad.
Or what about this scenario? Josh and I are only just now figuring out how our spiritual gifts work together. We are still talking over and praying about several aspects of our marriage that we would like to see develop more fully. Would it be wise to introduce a child to our marriage before we've worked out how we can work together spiritually?
Josh and I would love to be parents. But another factor for us is Josh's plans to attend grad school, working full-time and attending school at night - returning sometime between 10:30 and 11:00 each night. He would simply not have the ability to be involved in the life of a child(ren), except on weekends (which will be his main study time).
Now, if we already had children, we would do what we needed to do to finish up and love that child as much as we could. If we happened to have a child now, we would love him or her and make the necessary adjustments. But why knowingly walk into a situation in which both parents aren't fully able to take an active parenting role? Isn't that, in a way, cheating the child of our presence? Isn't it cheating each other in our still-developing marriage - if I'm consumed with caring for a baby in the few hours Josh is home, will our marriage continue to grow?
At work, I hear stories every day from both men and women who wish they hadn't been so quick to get pregnant. They weren't prepared in their marriages. They weren't knowledgeable enough about their spouse. They weren't mature enough for parenting. They were too busy meeting career goals to really parent. And something happened that ended in those children being taken away. Their selfishness brought them back to their college drinking days. Their spouse got caught bringing drugs into the home. They handled a situation with a child in a poor way or left the child unattended, and the authorities found out.
And their hearts are broken. They loved another child before they were prepared, and now they are separated. They don't regret having the child, because they truly genuinely love him. But because they weren't prepared to take on a parenting role, both the child and the parent are suffering through a foster care experience.
Josh and I don't fear any of these scenarios for ourselves, but we do want to offer our children a loving home that is prepared for them. We're not waiting until we have the perfect marriage (because kids will definitely bring out new sides of us!) or until we can "afford" kids (what does that even mean, anyway?). We're simply waiting until we can offer the time and a healthy, fruitful marriage to our children. So we feel that at this point in our lives, the wisest thing we can do is focus our hearts and time into preparing our marriage and our home, before we take on the responsibilities of parenting.
Is it a time issue? We're both young - most people our age have some college left to finish. We don't want to wait any longer than it takes Josh to finish grad school. But I would say that even those couples several years older than us shouldn't rush into having kids just because their biological clock is ticking. They should have kids only after they have invested in each other enough that they can provide their kids with a stable home. For some, that will take longer than others. Some may even regret, at the end of the child-bearing lives, that they didn't have more kids. But they will be better parents in the end, because they took the time to thoughtfully and purposefully prepare for parenting. And I would say being a quality parent is more important than having lots of kids - even if you love every one - and your kids will be better-equipped in their own marriages and parenting.
It's not that I disagree with the Jeubs. But I feel that something needs to be added more strongly to their message. Children are to be loved, no matter what situation you are in financially or emotionally. But don't go selfishly bringing them into a home because you want a child or want that "achievement", without taking into consideration the huge amount of time that you will need to invest in them and in your marriage.
Any comments on this? Are my thoughts the thoughts of a naive non-parent? It's okay to say yes - I welcome correction from people who have parented before!
Children are a blessing - yes. Always a blessing - yes. But they are not an unqualified blessing. An unqualified blessing is one that is a blessing in all seasons of life, and equally desireable to all people. But I find that to quite clearly and obviously false. If it were, then there would be no problem with having children born out of wedlock.
That indicates that there is a certain amount of preparation that is needed to start having children. I know married couples who are too selfish to be good parents - would having children be a blessing to them? Surely they would love their children as blessings. But if they don't have a strong marriage, I would caution them against having children. They are simply not equipped to parent well and will hurt their children with bitter fights between mom and dad.
Or what about this scenario? Josh and I are only just now figuring out how our spiritual gifts work together. We are still talking over and praying about several aspects of our marriage that we would like to see develop more fully. Would it be wise to introduce a child to our marriage before we've worked out how we can work together spiritually?
Josh and I would love to be parents. But another factor for us is Josh's plans to attend grad school, working full-time and attending school at night - returning sometime between 10:30 and 11:00 each night. He would simply not have the ability to be involved in the life of a child(ren), except on weekends (which will be his main study time).
Now, if we already had children, we would do what we needed to do to finish up and love that child as much as we could. If we happened to have a child now, we would love him or her and make the necessary adjustments. But why knowingly walk into a situation in which both parents aren't fully able to take an active parenting role? Isn't that, in a way, cheating the child of our presence? Isn't it cheating each other in our still-developing marriage - if I'm consumed with caring for a baby in the few hours Josh is home, will our marriage continue to grow?
At work, I hear stories every day from both men and women who wish they hadn't been so quick to get pregnant. They weren't prepared in their marriages. They weren't knowledgeable enough about their spouse. They weren't mature enough for parenting. They were too busy meeting career goals to really parent. And something happened that ended in those children being taken away. Their selfishness brought them back to their college drinking days. Their spouse got caught bringing drugs into the home. They handled a situation with a child in a poor way or left the child unattended, and the authorities found out.
And their hearts are broken. They loved another child before they were prepared, and now they are separated. They don't regret having the child, because they truly genuinely love him. But because they weren't prepared to take on a parenting role, both the child and the parent are suffering through a foster care experience.
Josh and I don't fear any of these scenarios for ourselves, but we do want to offer our children a loving home that is prepared for them. We're not waiting until we have the perfect marriage (because kids will definitely bring out new sides of us!) or until we can "afford" kids (what does that even mean, anyway?). We're simply waiting until we can offer the time and a healthy, fruitful marriage to our children. So we feel that at this point in our lives, the wisest thing we can do is focus our hearts and time into preparing our marriage and our home, before we take on the responsibilities of parenting.
Is it a time issue? We're both young - most people our age have some college left to finish. We don't want to wait any longer than it takes Josh to finish grad school. But I would say that even those couples several years older than us shouldn't rush into having kids just because their biological clock is ticking. They should have kids only after they have invested in each other enough that they can provide their kids with a stable home. For some, that will take longer than others. Some may even regret, at the end of the child-bearing lives, that they didn't have more kids. But they will be better parents in the end, because they took the time to thoughtfully and purposefully prepare for parenting. And I would say being a quality parent is more important than having lots of kids - even if you love every one - and your kids will be better-equipped in their own marriages and parenting.
It's not that I disagree with the Jeubs. But I feel that something needs to be added more strongly to their message. Children are to be loved, no matter what situation you are in financially or emotionally. But don't go selfishly bringing them into a home because you want a child or want that "achievement", without taking into consideration the huge amount of time that you will need to invest in them and in your marriage.
Any comments on this? Are my thoughts the thoughts of a naive non-parent? It's okay to say yes - I welcome correction from people who have parented before!
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
Happy as a clam
I was chatting with a friend tonight and I came to a realization (okay, I knew it all along...but sometimes things just...hit you): I really like my life.
So work feels like it's out-of-control and I've been given more responsibilities than I can handle. We live pretty frugally, which means skipping a lot of the pleasures our single friends are enjoying, like eating out and taking weekend trips. We're staring down a couple years of tuition in the face. But life is good. Not good -- great.
Our church is embracing us and making us feel at home. We don't indulge a whole lot, but we have everything we need. We have good jobs for good employers, and even though my work right now is crazy, it's pretty clear that my bosses trust me and we have good working relationships. Despite the rapidly changing office setting, I feel like we're moving in a good direction, are taking steps to correct some organizational issues, and are strengthening as a (much smaller) team.
But best of all, as a couple we are are growing with a purpose and with direction. We have a shared, concrete goal for the next 5-10 years, and we have a way to work towards and prepare for it, which is good for our marriage. We are reading our Bibles together and sharing what we've learned.
Our apartment is comfortable and actually more space than we need. Our food is tasty and filling.
I am young among my friends in age, but as I was listening to one gal 6 years my elder talk about her relationship with her boyfriend, I realized that we are older in many ways. And because we are "older", we enjoy stability and not as much drama. I have a wonderful husband who keeps a close eye on my physical, emotional, and spiritual needs. He cherishes me in a way few women (sadly) are cherished.
To be honest, I can't think of anything in my life I would change right now, at least not in circumstances.
It's a wonderful life. :)
So work feels like it's out-of-control and I've been given more responsibilities than I can handle. We live pretty frugally, which means skipping a lot of the pleasures our single friends are enjoying, like eating out and taking weekend trips. We're staring down a couple years of tuition in the face. But life is good. Not good -- great.
Our church is embracing us and making us feel at home. We don't indulge a whole lot, but we have everything we need. We have good jobs for good employers, and even though my work right now is crazy, it's pretty clear that my bosses trust me and we have good working relationships. Despite the rapidly changing office setting, I feel like we're moving in a good direction, are taking steps to correct some organizational issues, and are strengthening as a (much smaller) team.
But best of all, as a couple we are are growing with a purpose and with direction. We have a shared, concrete goal for the next 5-10 years, and we have a way to work towards and prepare for it, which is good for our marriage. We are reading our Bibles together and sharing what we've learned.
Our apartment is comfortable and actually more space than we need. Our food is tasty and filling.
I am young among my friends in age, but as I was listening to one gal 6 years my elder talk about her relationship with her boyfriend, I realized that we are older in many ways. And because we are "older", we enjoy stability and not as much drama. I have a wonderful husband who keeps a close eye on my physical, emotional, and spiritual needs. He cherishes me in a way few women (sadly) are cherished.
To be honest, I can't think of anything in my life I would change right now, at least not in circumstances.
It's a wonderful life. :)
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
All Members of One Body...
We had our meeting with our elders last night for membership. At least, we thought it was going to be elders, with a pastor. But when they knocked on the door, it was both our pastors and one of our elders.
We small-talked for a while ("Yep, looks like a newlywed apartment...man, when we were newlyweds I bought this dresser..."), ate cookies, and settled down into our seats. And then the questions started.
"Tell us your testimony"
"Describe to me the work and person of Jesus."
"Do you have a favorite Scripture passage?"
"How do you envision yourself using your spiritual gifts for the Body of Christ?"
And then, the Book of Church Order came out and they asked us those five little questions that determined whether we would join the local church.
It was a precious time to me. I had trouble finding a church in college. I didn't have a car, so I hopped in whatever car was available, or a church van sent to pick up stranded students. More often than not, I ended up arriving in a herd of students and then rushing to greet people so I wouldn't miss the van. I attended three different churches while I was there, for at least 4 months at each one. And in all those churches, there was only one at which I ever met the pastor (twice actually...but he didn't remember my name). No one ever asked my testimony. For all they knew, I didn't even believe in God.
Our first week at our current church was a surprise. Not only did both pastors greet us (we didn't even realize they were the pastors at the time!), but they both immediately offered to gather people to help us move in. Within a month, two different elders had invited us over to lunch to get to know us. And now, both of our pastors know our stories, know our spiritual gifts, know our struggles, know our talents, know our jobs, know our needs. We aren't members because they signed the paperwork. We are members because we are known. To make a rough analogy, you can pay your dues to be in a club - but to really belong as a member, you've got to be a part of the club.
We belong here..
And then today at lunch we mentioned to a couple co-workers that we had a meeting for membership. I was shocked at how quickly membership was bashed as "bureaucratic" and "unnecessary."
No -- a bureaucracy is paperwork and needless red tape. It is not human. And anyone who was in our home last night knows that the three men gently asking us questions and getting to know us are not a bureaucracy. They have simply made the process of joining a church one in which you can't sit by the sidelines, isolated and alone.
There is a difference between order and bureaucracy. I am comforted more and more as I watch our church in action. They are prepared to handle challenges. They are prepared to stand up against sin. They've done it, and the church has not fallen apart or crumbled in shock. Even more, they've been able to comfort each other because they know each other.
I am a member of the universal Body of Christ. What does that mean? That we share beliefs, that we have a common heritage. But that means nothing if I am not accountable.
I am a member of the local Body of Christ. I am accountable to them, I have submitted to them, and I am responsible to contribute to them. We share beliefs. We have a common heritage. But even better - there is a system set in place that helps us remember that.
Let all things be done decently and in order.
We small-talked for a while ("Yep, looks like a newlywed apartment...man, when we were newlyweds I bought this dresser..."), ate cookies, and settled down into our seats. And then the questions started.
"Tell us your testimony"
"Describe to me the work and person of Jesus."
"Do you have a favorite Scripture passage?"
"How do you envision yourself using your spiritual gifts for the Body of Christ?"
And then, the Book of Church Order came out and they asked us those five little questions that determined whether we would join the local church.
It was a precious time to me. I had trouble finding a church in college. I didn't have a car, so I hopped in whatever car was available, or a church van sent to pick up stranded students. More often than not, I ended up arriving in a herd of students and then rushing to greet people so I wouldn't miss the van. I attended three different churches while I was there, for at least 4 months at each one. And in all those churches, there was only one at which I ever met the pastor (twice actually...but he didn't remember my name). No one ever asked my testimony. For all they knew, I didn't even believe in God.
Our first week at our current church was a surprise. Not only did both pastors greet us (we didn't even realize they were the pastors at the time!), but they both immediately offered to gather people to help us move in. Within a month, two different elders had invited us over to lunch to get to know us. And now, both of our pastors know our stories, know our spiritual gifts, know our struggles, know our talents, know our jobs, know our needs. We aren't members because they signed the paperwork. We are members because we are known. To make a rough analogy, you can pay your dues to be in a club - but to really belong as a member, you've got to be a part of the club.
We belong here..
And then today at lunch we mentioned to a couple co-workers that we had a meeting for membership. I was shocked at how quickly membership was bashed as "bureaucratic" and "unnecessary."
No -- a bureaucracy is paperwork and needless red tape. It is not human. And anyone who was in our home last night knows that the three men gently asking us questions and getting to know us are not a bureaucracy. They have simply made the process of joining a church one in which you can't sit by the sidelines, isolated and alone.
There is a difference between order and bureaucracy. I am comforted more and more as I watch our church in action. They are prepared to handle challenges. They are prepared to stand up against sin. They've done it, and the church has not fallen apart or crumbled in shock. Even more, they've been able to comfort each other because they know each other.
I am a member of the universal Body of Christ. What does that mean? That we share beliefs, that we have a common heritage. But that means nothing if I am not accountable.
I am a member of the local Body of Christ. I am accountable to them, I have submitted to them, and I am responsible to contribute to them. We share beliefs. We have a common heritage. But even better - there is a system set in place that helps us remember that.
Let all things be done decently and in order.
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