And as I lay him back so I could pack Josh's lunch, I looked at his sweet sleeping face. I love when he sleeps. It is then he is the universal ideal of what a baby should be - adorable, innocent, sweet, cuddly, pudgy. Reality when awake, of course, is noisy, awkward, lovable, messy, and demanding.
And as I looked at his face, with a little dribble of drool trailing out of the corner of his mouth, and his padded tush, and his dimply little elbows, it hit me hard, all over again.
I am responsible for feeding this little boy's soul.
He will grow up and meet his sin nature and meet my sin nature and Lord willing, meet my Savior and welcome his Savior. He will learn to read and Lord willing, he will learn to love. He will watch my face, my tone, my actions and he will make them his face, his tone, his actions. And then he will be a teenager and he will do the opposite, for a while. And then he will choose. He will choose the way he perceives to be better.
Holy cow.
For a moment I was crushed under the serious weight of responsibility.
And then the weight was lifted as I remembered: I am only the feeder. I am by no means the shepherd.
I am responsible to teach and show him the way of goodness and truth. But I am not responsible for whether he follows that way. I am responsible for loving his soul. But I am not responsible for saving it.
Because heaven help us if I was. Guilt, fear, pain would reign supreme in my life.
And grace would not. Because if I were responsible for his life direction, then how could I forgive when he veers from what I believe to be right? How could I not hold it against him when his very actions scream to me, "You failed as a parent"?
This weekend a couple who had met Josh's brother for the first time were talking to us about our upbringings. "You come from a good family," they said. "You both do."
I smiled and thanked them. It's true. We do. But if the perception that we come from good families are based solely on our actions, then what would be said if we were not mature adults? That we come from a bad family? That clearly, our failures as human beings were due to our parents' failures as parents.
No. Parents influence. But God determines.
The quotation at the top of my blog is from The Chosen by Chaim Potok (if you've never read it, I HIGHLY recommend it. That book touched my soul). I will do everything in my power to help my little boy's mind understand the state of his soul.
But in the end, I am free. My child's soul does not depend on me. But no fear, no guilt.
Only grace.
Proverbs 22:6, also relieved me: "Train up a child in the way he should go, Even when he is old he will not depart from it."
ReplyDeleteSome one once told me that that verse didn't mean that my children would always follow, and that sometimes they would stray, but in the end, they'd remember what they were taught.
And, by the way, he's not sleeping (adorable, innocent, sweet, cuddly, pudgy) - he's really "recharging" to be: noisy, awkward, lovable, messy, and demanding.