Kekoa's Guide to Schmoozing the Ladies

As the baby preparations abound in our house, Kekoa is busy with preparations as well.  He's listening to voices and in general getting ready for life on the outside world.  Right now he and Daddy are reading through Narnia (Mommy vetoed Lord of the Rings after Kekoa started asking questions about pipeweed), and little K has a great grasp on human anatomy ("Let's see...if I kick here, that's Mommy's lungs.  If I headbutt here, she has to go to the bathroom.  If I swivel this direction, her tummy says it's too full and she won't give me any more food...quick, turn around!")

But one of his biggest projects is out of concern for his Uncle Steve.

Uncle Steve promised to take him around to meet the girls.  Male bonding time, or something like that.  But Kekoa is severely concerned that Uncle Steve is going to embarrass himself, because Kekoa has spent time researching this subject and he's fairly certain that Uncle Steve does not know the secrets on how to schmooze the ladies.

So Uncle Steve, this is for you.  After many observations and research, Kekoa has compiled his tips for you.   Read carefully and learn them well, and you too can be a ladykiller.

"Ten Useful Tips on How to Schmooze the Ladies"

By Kekoa (with contributing research from cousins)

1)  Be mysterious.

Ladies may SAY that they want a man to communicate with them, to talk about what's bothering them.  But this is false.  You can skip the chatting for over a year, and they will STILL enjoy making conversation with you.  Still not sure?  Jibberish is an acceptable substitute for meaningful conversation, so if you ever get uncomfortable with the way the conversation is going, just blurt out some nonsense words.  Boom, instant adorable distraction.

2)  Be sensitive.

You don't have to talk to be sensitive - women love a man who cries ALL the time.  So if something's bugging you, go ahead and let it out.  Whether it's a little whimper or a full-blown wail, you can be sure the ladies will trip all over themselves trying to get to you.

3)  Don't be shy!

Women claim to think bodily functions are gross, and they might say that you should excuse yourself before doing what is perfectly natural.  But actions speak louder than words, my friend.  Women have been known to spend hours helping their man let off a burp, and then praise him highly for doing such a good job.  And you should just hear the conversations on how many times their man has gone to the bathroom that day!

4)  Fashion is optional.

There are tons of articles on the internet about how NOT to dress, but save yourself the stress and money.  Ladies love any outfit.  You can certainly melt hearts with the fashionable route, but really you can't go wrong with a simple snap-at-the-crotch one piece and a cute saying like "My Mommy is the best!"  (bonus tip: women love a momma's boy, especially one who still lives at home!).  If you're going to do prints, skip the subtle textures and go for something manly like cars, boats, airplanes, or teddy bears.  And girls LOVE footie pajamas.

Still not digging fashion?  No worries - skip the shirt, and they'll admire your rolls of flesh (see below for more details).

5)  Chunky is in, muscles are out.

Skip the hours of working out, Uncle Steve.  The chubbier your cheeks, the faster the girls will come.  And they especially love rolls of fat and double chins.   So save yourself the time and energy and devote yourself to the ultimate diet plan: eat, sleep, repeat.

6)  Go bald.

Or not bald, whatever you like.  But no need to worry about a receding hairline, or to spend hours styling your hair.  Studies show that these factors have little to no impact on women - they will still rave about how adorable your head of hair/bald dome is (one contributing researcher notes that growing hair on your ears is a sure-fire way to win women over).

7)  Stare.

You might have been taught that eye contact is important, but should not be maintained for too long.  False.  Go ahead and stare, and stare, and stare past acceptability of any social norms.  Women go ga-ga over this bonding time, and will comment on your beautiful big brown eyes.  Not creepy at all!

8)  Be adaptable.

While you can be a momma's boy, don't get too attached to any one particular favorite.  It's okay to be passed around - women are great at sharing!  And momma will love you even more if you're willing to make the rounds. Absence truly does make the heart grow fonder.

9)  When it comes to flirting, go old school.

They may SAY that hair-pulling is soo junior high, but it works.  Grab a fistful of your lady's hair, and don't let go.  She'll struggle to free herself, then love you forever!

10)  Be helpless.

Women love doing things for you.  They think it's adorable when you lay on the couch and depend on them for all your heart's desires.  So kick back, relax, and let her handle the rest.  Need another glass of milk?  Start squeaking and squalling.  Nose getting a little stuffy?  Let her take care of it for you.  Bottom line:  don't do anything for yourself.  It will make her feel protective and close to you.


So there you go, Uncle Steve.  This is your homework until our first meeting - I hope by then you have mastered the art of schmoozing ladies.  Take it from an expert:  I haven't even met any ladies yet and they're already buying me presents!

~Kekoa