How to Post About your Kids on Facebook and Not Have People Unfriend You

Disclaimer: clearly, this does not refer to blogs.  When people come to blogs, they are giving the blogger the floor.  So don't go scolding to me about how many of my blog posts contain the word "poop."

EDIT:  How do you know is you should go through this list before posting?  Here's the test: Are your only two Facebook friends your child's two grandmothers?
     YES - post it, poop and all!
     NO - go to 1.

1.  Is this your first post or picture about your child?

     YES – then what are you doing puttering around here for?  You obviously have a newborn and should go post pictures!

     NO – go to 2.

2.  Does your post include the word “Poop” in it?

     YES – go to 3

     NO – go to 5

3.  Does post include a picture of this poop?

     YES – don’t post it.

     NO – go to 4.

4.  Have any of your last 50 posts also included the word “poop”?

     YES – don’t post it.

     NO – go to 13.  Then come back and go to 5. 

5.  Is this post an album with fifty pictures of your baby in the same pose with subtly different facial expressions?

     YES – don’t post it.

     NO – go to 6.

6.  In your last fifteen posts, do any of them not talk about your child?

     YES – go to 7

     NO – don’t post it.

7.  Is the purpose of this post to brag (implicitly or explicitly) about how advanced your child is for his/her age?

     YES – don’t post it.

     NO – go to 8

8.  Does your post include complaints about your child’s misdeeds?

     YES – don’t post it.

     NO – go to  9

9.  Is this post about how tired you are?

     YES – go to 10

     NO – go to 11

10.  In your last ten posts, have any of them been about how tired you are?

     YES – don’t post it.

     NO – go to 11

11.  Is this a naked baby picture?

     YES – don’t post it.

     NO – go to 12.

12.  Does your post refer to the graphic details of pregnancy and/or childbirth?

     YES - go to 13

     NO – go to 14

13.  Are there friends on your friends list who you are trying to convince to have children?

     YES – don’t post it.

     NO – go to 14.

14.  Wait 30 minutes.

      GO TO 15.

15.  Was it so cute/adorable/memorable that you still remember it?

     YES – post it.

     NO – don’t post it.

Finis

P.S.  This should be a flowchart, I know.  But I made it approximately five minutes into the flowchart making process before I gave up. 

Miscellaneous Moments

-Kekoa has developed a habit of poking his thumb into his pacifier and sucking on them both together.  It's cute.  However, I am hoping he breaks the habit himself before I have to wean him from both thumb-sucking AND the pacifier.

The thumb-acifier.  And a spoon.  And an imp.

-Spring is here.  Actually, it's more like spring WAS here for one lovely day, and now it's summer.

-I want ice cream.  So much.

-Kekoa has been dreaming of the day when he can grow his own facial hair.  He is trying out the different styles.  What do you think?

The Mr. Tumnus

The "Oops I missed" a.k.a. Soul Patch (with bonus frohawk)

The Fu Manchu

The Caterpillar

The "Shave in the Dark"

-Kekoa has an appointment with an allergist in a couple weeks.  I'm so ready to just figure out what's going on with his little body.  Now that it's short-sleeve weather, he just scratches and scratches his poor arms and legs.  It makes me so sad.

-Josh will be done with his semester in three weeks.  YAY!  Two-thirds done with grad school!  It's starting to feel like there just might be an end in sight...and maybe some sleep?  What a novel concept.

-A parting thought:  have you ever noticed that our society deems some things inherently virtuous?  For example, reading or running.  Just the title "reader" makes people say, "good for you."  Never mind if you're reading drivel, or are completely unable to understand what makes a book good.  The same goes for running.  We have great respect for say, marathon runners.  But extreme running isn't even beneficial for your body!

Anyway.  Readers ARE likely to understand many facets of the human condition, and runners do display discipline.  But a runner who finds motivation from his reputation or a reader who feels superior because of their book list is no more virtuous than anyone else.  And a reader or  runner who becomes consumed with their hobby has violated virtue.

So there's your thought for the day: don't buy into perceived virtue.  And don't let society's perception inflate your view of your own virtue.

College

My middle-younger brother is headed off for a tbd college this fall.  All the excitement of choosing a college has me thinking back...and my goodness, it's been almost seven years since I was an idealistic freshman.

Anyway, college is a highly artificial environment.  At no other time in your life are you surrounded by exactly your peer group, give or take four years.  This can be extremely fun.  It can also be a petri dish breeding foolishness faster than Lake Bob breeds mutants.

So if I were a freshman heading to college for the first time, this is what I'd want me to know:

1)  Learn how to speed read.  Seriously helpful.  You can try programs like EyeQ, but for a quick and easy way to practice, just use your hand to follow along the text.  Your eyes naturally regress every few lines, and using your hand is a way to keep your eyes moving forward.

2)  Learn how to read slowly.  Learn to make notes and draw conclusions and summarize.

Kekoa says: "You can never have too many books!"

3)  Learn how to choose an appropriate speed for each book.  You will be assigned fifty bazillion books to read in college.  You will probably read them all in your first semester, or at least until midterms hit.  Thereafter, you will diligently resolve to do all your reading each semester and keep it up for approximately two weeks.

Some books deserve a full reading, but not all of them do.  So don't waste time plodding through the unimportant stuff.  Read the first five chapters of Mortimer Adler's How to Read a Book this summer.  Skip the rest, please, unless you want reading to be sucked dry of all interest and relaxation.   If you can figure out a) which books to fully digest, b) which books to cruise, and c) which books to speed read, then you'll be fine.


4)   Be intentional about your friendships.  If you go to a small college made of mostly like-minded people as I did, it's easy to assume that everyone has the makings of a good friend.  NOT TRUE.  College friends have the potential to be lifelong friends who will encourage you and help you grow.  But they also have a great potential to be people with whom you waste time.  That's fine.  You can't be lifelong friends with everyone.  But make a concerted effort to spend time - and especially be roommates - with people who will stretch and encourage you.

5)  Save some core classes for your upperclassmen years.  This has several benefits:

• You'll be taking classes with lowerclassmen that you wouldn't otherwise get to spend time with.
• As an upperclassman, you'll know which professors and which sections are the best. 
• As an upperclassman, you may get priority at registration, so it may be easier to get in with the high-demand professors.
• Core classes are often easier - you've gotten practice writing 20 page papers, and all they want is 5?  Easy breezy.
• Even if they're not easier, core classes are a welcome topic break.  If you are a liberal arts major, your major classes probably involve a ton of writing.  Science majors have very time-consuming labs. Taking a core class is a way of alleviating the challenging monotony.

6)  Be a pal: when the professor says, "Okay, class is over unless anyone has any questions," don't be that person who asks a question.  Ask the professor after class, if you must.  Now you're welcome for helping you make friends.

[also, a bonus friend-making tip: do your laundry.  Common sense, you say?  You'd be surprised.]

7)  Stay away from student politics.  Caveat: if you attend a large university where student politics look impressive on a resume and actually do some good.  Otherwise, it's just drama.

8)  Don't feel like your life has to be the "hardest" to get support.  Please don't play the "I'm tireder than you" game.  If someone's complaining about how tired they are, consider this: even if their actual workload is lighter than yours, they might be sinking under emotional stress.  Be gentle.  

You don't have to be taking 23 credits and sleeping three hours a night to be able to say, "Hey you know, I'm really struggling - could you just take a walk with me?"

Also, bonus benefit: when you are a young parent with a baby, you won't blush every time you remember saying "I'm soooo tired" in college because you stayed up playing Bubble Spinner.

9)  Be prepared for syllabus shock.  It's going to happen every semester.  You will get all your syllabi within two days.  You will start charting due dates.  You will panic.  You will think, "I'm not ever going to sleep or do anything fun!"  You will cry (at least on the inside).  And then two weeks in, you will discover that you have plenty of free time.

Here's what I learned in college: there is plenty of time.  There is somehow always time for a student who pays attention and doesn't wait until the night before.  You'll be fine.  

10)  Figure out your learning style, and work with it.  Start with the basics: if you're a visual learner, then don't commit to a dozen study groups.  They're going to be full of audio learners who have to talk everything out, and kinesthetics who illustrate their terms on the whiteboards.  That's great for them, but a waste of time for you.  

But it goes beyond that.  Figure out now how you best learn:

Alone in your room?  In the middle of a crowded place?  With a small group of friends? 

In the early morning?  In the afternoon?  In the evenings? 

Are you an intake learner?  This person learns best if they have something to eat or drink while they work - even just water.  That's why you'll find me with a water bottle wherever I go, whereas Josh can't even concentrate on a movie and eat popcorn at the same time. 

Most importantly with this: don't assume what works for your roommate will work for you.

11)  Know your Myers-Briggs personality.  Okay, so this isn't just for college.  I'm an MB enthusiast.  Knowing your personality type and understanding certain things about yourself may help in relations with professors, roommates, and classmates.  Don't know yours?  Take the test.  (and I'd love to know yours, so you should let me know what you get!  I'm borderline between INTJ/INFJ) 

12)  Don't take too much of a good thing.  Extra-curricula things are good.  But too many are bad.  Try picking one to serve others, one to practice a new skill, and one to have fun.  Say no to the rest, and don't accept guilting.

You are not a better person for being busy.

Kekoa says: "Get less than 16 hours of sleep? Ridiculous!"

12)  ALL-NIGHTERS ARE NOT NECESSARY.  Repeat that to yourself.  Do not be fooled.  A neighbor who pulls three all-nighters in a row is not working harder than you.  He is managing his time poorly.  He is not being super-productive - he probably could have accomplished the same work in half the time.  If you find yourself consistently staying up into the wee hours of the night to meet deadlines, then you need to rethink how you're spending your daylight hours.

I'm sure I'll think of other things, but what did I miss?  What helped you the most in college?

Last week after Kekoa's doctor appointment I was feeling kinda sorry for myself.  We were talking about some recent difficulties, and the doctor turned to Kekoa and said, "Gee, you're making your parents work hard!  Being a tough kid is NOT the way to get siblings!"

I had been handling all of the strange quirkiness that is Kekoa's digestive system fairly well, actually.  I hadn't thought of it as too much work, like things were spinning out of control.  We're adapting.  In fact, we're even enjoying some of the changes that are increasingly attachment parenting.

But that comment made me feel like gosh, aren't I just the most put-upon mother in the world?  And the attitude just went downhill from there.

In the middle of the mopeyness, I was reading If, by Amy Carmichael.  And here are a few of the tidbits she offered:

If I put my own happiness before the well-being of the work entrusted to me; if, though I have this ministry and have received much mercy, I faint, then I know nothing of Calvary love.

If I am soft to myself and slide comfortably into the vice of self-pity and self-sympathy; if I do not by the grace of God practice fortitude, then I know nothing of Calvary love.

If I myself dominate myself, if my thoughts revolve around myself, if I am so occupied with myself that I rarely have "a heart at leisure form itself," then I know nothing of Calvary love.

If monotony tries me, and I cannot stand drudgery; if stupid people fret me and little ruffles set me on edge; if I make much of the trifles of life, then I know nothing of Calvary love.

If I make much of anything appointed, magnify it secretly to myself or insidiously to others; if I let them think it "hard";...then I know nothing of Calvary love.

And so it goes.  I feel like the trend right now among young mothers is to admit how hard it is to be a parent, rather than trying to put on a face of perfection. That's a great, necessary thing. Let's free each other from the judgmental push to adopt my parenting philosophy.

But I must acknowledge the difficulties in order that I may encourage others, not to gain a free pass to self-pity.  No matter how sleep-deprived I am, sin must be mortified in me.  I must trust that God gives grace as I need it, that I have no more claim to sympathy than anyone else.

Is parenting easy?  Heavens, no.  But does God give grace to fit the need?

That's a question I must answer in faith with a resounding "yes".

The World Through Kekoa's Eyes

Happy spring, friends, family, followers!  I'm nine months old today and boy, has it been a crazy month.  Do you want the good news or the bad news first?  Okay, let's start with the bad news.

The bad news:  the world is out to get me.  I mean, seriously!  This has been a head-bonking, teeth-cutting, tables-falling-on-top-of-me kinda month.  I crawled outside for the first time and within five minutes the ground leapt up to scrape my poor little nose.

The worst part was at church everyone was saying that I needed a nose wipe.  It's just a scab, people!  So embarrassing.

But the good news:  I can go wherever I want!  (hmmm, do you think that could be related to the head-bonking?  Naaaah).  Everyone seems to think that pulling yourself up is some great achievement, but we babies know that it's more of a prison sentence.  The real challenge is getting back down.  After that, no limits!  I try to be helpful with my newly found powers - with me around, the dishwasher gets unloaded faster than you can say, "What are you doing in here??"

I love to play peek-a-boo with Mommy.  Our chairs are the perfect height - when I'm standing up, Mommy can't see me.  Then she gets really worried that I got lost or something.  So I stoop down and peek through! She's always so relieved.

Another one of my favorite games is playing patty-a-cake.  I don't like clapping myself because it doesn't make enough noise.  But I like to help other people clap over and over and over again. [ed. note: and over and over and over and over and...you get the idea]

This month has also been one of celebrating nature's finest joys.  The moment my diaper is off, I'm off for the hills.  FREEDOM!  Mommy always calls after me something that sounds like this: "Hey, don't you pee on the floor again!"  Poor Mommy, she wants so desperately to communicate her approval but parents speak the strangest language.  All gibberish and babbling.

[Ed. note: this picture has been censored.  Enjoy this picture titled "Baseball Season Begins" instead.]

Finally, I'm all the way up to 16 pounds now!  Yay me!  That's still smaller than most babies, but you know what?  There are major advantages to being a little guy.  Everyone says things like, "Wow, he's cruising already?  That's really advanced for a six-month-old!"  And I'm all, "Yep, and I can use sign language and say "Mama" too!  I'm a genius!"

Humility, on the other hand?  Yeah, not so advanced in that.

Well, I've got to sign off now.  My cousins turn one tomorrow and Mommy's going to wrap their presents.  I gotta get in on some of that action...crinkly paper for the win!

Yours truly,
Kekoa

A Gracious Recipient: The Flip Side of Hospitality

As I ponder more on hospitality, I've discovered that recipients of hospitality could use a little more refining as well.  Whether because of a love of independence or pride or misplaced humility, those being served are often flat-out rude!

I'm not claiming to be an expert -  I've got my own brand of homeschool awkward.  And I tend to only accept help when I absolutely positively can't-survive-otherwise need it.  I don't want to impose on people - or maybe it's because I don't want to look weak.

But anyway.  These are some of the things I've observed a good guest does:

1)  Gets in line.  Okay, ladies.  We are terrible at this.  The hostess slaves away making food.  There's a prayer and she says, "Dig in everyone!"  And then it begins.

 "You go first."
"No, you."
 "No, really, I'm not that hungry."

And then all the ladies disappear to get their drinks, unwilling to be the greedy pig who eats first.

Consider for a moment the many ways this is rude:

• It says to the hostess, "Your food isn't that appetizing.  I'm not excited about it."
• Some guest of honor is always sent first - the birthday girl, the bride, the mother-to-be.  She has her food and no one to sit with because everyone else is pretending to be non-greedy.  She can either eat alone or let her food get cold.
• Speaking of food getting cold, the hostess worked hard to coordinate all the components of the meal to make sure they were warm (or cold, as the case may be).    
• The hostess usually waits to go last to make sure there's enough of everything.  By delaying, you're forcing her to wait longer.
• If the hostess has a schedule of events, you're potentially pushing it back.
• At least in conservative circles, men often defer to the ladies to go first.  It's rude to punish their thoughtfulness with playing the "you go first" game.

So please.  Next time a hostess opens up the food table, join the party honoree or a friend and blaze the trail.

Note to hostesses: you can help your guests with this too.  Just say, "Okay, the mommy-to-be/birthday girl/bride goes first, and then anyone else who has a summer baby/birthday/anniversary."  Once you get four or five people in line, everyone else will suddenly be hungry.

2)  Expresses a preference.  A sweet hostess asks her dinner guest ahead of time what they like.  "Oh, whatever you want.  I don't really care."  Then the hostess has to figure out what to make, all the while worrying that maybe her guest doesn't like tomatoes or already had pasta this week.

Another common one: someone takes you out to dinner.  "Where's your favorite place?"  "Wherever.  I don't care."  Or in our group: games.  No one ever wants to pick a game.

If your hostess is asking you, it will make her life easier if she doesn't have to guess.  Obviously, don't say lobster, but you can give a general range: "We're not big fans of spicy, but we love Mexican food!"

Honestly don't have a preference?  Throw her a bone and work with her strengths: "I've heard you make really great soups - could we sample one?"  Or ask what her husband's favorite is: "If he likes it that much, then we'd love to try it too!"

I know that no one wants to impose a decision, but narrow it down.  Name two game options that you really enjoy, and let the others decide from there.  That way, your host knows that you are happy, but you haven't forced your will on anyone.

Hosts:  You can help here, too.  Give three or four options to choose from.

3)  Is a thoughtful receiver of gifts.  People are so generous when there are major life changes ahead.  But no one wants to give the gift that's going to get stuck in the basement or sent to Goodwill.  Part of being a gracious recipient is taking the time to help the people who want to bless you.

A few tips:

• Register both online and at a brick-and-mortar.  Online is great for out-of-town friends and family. But if you're going to have an in-person baby or bridal shower, do the brick-and-mortar store as well.  You might be one of those people who gets an invitation and immediately orders a gift, but other people might not think of it until it's too late for shipping.  Plus, shipping is an added cost anyway. 
• Again, play to their strengths.  If Debbie asks you what you need and you honestly can't think of anything, ask about something Debbie's good at: maybe you've always wanted knitting lessons.  Or a sample menu plan.  Or someone with great style who will go shopping with you.  Or a coveted recipe.    Or maybe someone to register with you (oh my gosh, I wish I'd had this.  I had NO idea what I would actually use for baby things). 
• Start a wishlist.  I'm not saying you have to give it out to people...but every time you think "oh, someday I want one of those," jot it down or use Amazon's wishlist feature.  Then when people ask, you can refresh your memory.

What else does a gracious recipient do?  What makes your life easier as a hostess or gift giver?

What's in a word?

We tried an experiment a couple of weeks ago.  We tried to not use the word "good."  And boy, was it hard.  I never realized how often I use that word. 

"How was the meeting?"  "Good."  

"This is good food!"

"You pulled yourself up - good boy!"

"Good job eating another spoonful of carrots."

"It's a good day."

It got rather ridiculous, trying not to say it, because it punctuates every conversation.  And instead of a rich, deep meaning - because after all, God is good -- it's become a catchall term that can mean almost anything.  Pleasant, convenient, okay, fine, nice, tasty, strong, nondescript.  

In 1984, language is whittled down to remove most adjectives.  And "good" becomes a catch-all term that prevents people from thinking too much, feeling too much, desiring too much.  It's almost as if absent from words to describe them, deeper meanings can't exist.

I'm not really an alarmist or conspiracy theorist when it comes to language.  I'm not the type of person to freak out when someone wishes me a "happy holidays" or when a teenager apathetically mumbles "whatever."    But I do think language enables thought.  It allows the transportation of ideas.  

But more on the practical level, what does it say to Kekoa when I use "good" too often in my parenting?  That he's an upright boy for eating his vegetables.  That upper arm strength wins favor.  That "being good for the babysitter" means that as long as one behaves well, he is on morally stable ground.

That's legalism. That's teaching him that outward behavior is equal to righteousness, heart condition notwithstanding.  

Of course, not using the word "good" could also equate to legalism.  Anytime you're busy complying a list of "don'ts" that will enable a better/more successful/happier life, you're probably engaging in legalism on some level.  

BUT I want to use language as it was intended - to convey meaning.  So I'm trying to consciously describe my thoughts rather than lazily relying on the easiest term to come to mind.  For example, "be wise and calm" rather than "be good."  "Sunny and warm" instead of "good weather."  "I'm proud of how hard you worked" instead of "good job on your exams."

It's rather interesting - I find myself being much more specific in my praise.  And isn't that when I like when others praise me?  Don't I prefer "This soup is so creamy!" to "Good food"?  And isn't "you've been so patient!" more helpful to a kid to hear than "you've been so good"?

In the end, I find that when you strip away all the cheap meanings of "good," it opens up the rich, divine mystery of a moral, righteous, good God.