A Gracious Recipient: The Flip Side of Hospitality

As I ponder more on hospitality, I've discovered that recipients of hospitality could use a little more refining as well.  Whether because of a love of independence or pride or misplaced humility, those being served are often flat-out rude!

I'm not claiming to be an expert -  I've got my own brand of homeschool awkward.  And I tend to only accept help when I absolutely positively can't-survive-otherwise need it.  I don't want to impose on people - or maybe it's because I don't want to look weak.

But anyway.  These are some of the things I've observed a good guest does:

1)  Gets in line.  Okay, ladies.  We are terrible at this.  The hostess slaves away making food.  There's a prayer and she says, "Dig in everyone!"  And then it begins.

 "You go first."
"No, you."
 "No, really, I'm not that hungry."

And then all the ladies disappear to get their drinks, unwilling to be the greedy pig who eats first.

Consider for a moment the many ways this is rude:

• It says to the hostess, "Your food isn't that appetizing.  I'm not excited about it."
• Some guest of honor is always sent first - the birthday girl, the bride, the mother-to-be.  She has her food and no one to sit with because everyone else is pretending to be non-greedy.  She can either eat alone or let her food get cold.
• Speaking of food getting cold, the hostess worked hard to coordinate all the components of the meal to make sure they were warm (or cold, as the case may be).    
• The hostess usually waits to go last to make sure there's enough of everything.  By delaying, you're forcing her to wait longer.
• If the hostess has a schedule of events, you're potentially pushing it back.
• At least in conservative circles, men often defer to the ladies to go first.  It's rude to punish their thoughtfulness with playing the "you go first" game.

So please.  Next time a hostess opens up the food table, join the party honoree or a friend and blaze the trail.

Note to hostesses: you can help your guests with this too.  Just say, "Okay, the mommy-to-be/birthday girl/bride goes first, and then anyone else who has a summer baby/birthday/anniversary."  Once you get four or five people in line, everyone else will suddenly be hungry.

2)  Expresses a preference.  A sweet hostess asks her dinner guest ahead of time what they like.  "Oh, whatever you want.  I don't really care."  Then the hostess has to figure out what to make, all the while worrying that maybe her guest doesn't like tomatoes or already had pasta this week.

Another common one: someone takes you out to dinner.  "Where's your favorite place?"  "Wherever.  I don't care."  Or in our group: games.  No one ever wants to pick a game.

If your hostess is asking you, it will make her life easier if she doesn't have to guess.  Obviously, don't say lobster, but you can give a general range: "We're not big fans of spicy, but we love Mexican food!"

Honestly don't have a preference?  Throw her a bone and work with her strengths: "I've heard you make really great soups - could we sample one?"  Or ask what her husband's favorite is: "If he likes it that much, then we'd love to try it too!"

I know that no one wants to impose a decision, but narrow it down.  Name two game options that you really enjoy, and let the others decide from there.  That way, your host knows that you are happy, but you haven't forced your will on anyone.

Hosts:  You can help here, too.  Give three or four options to choose from.

3)  Is a thoughtful receiver of gifts.  People are so generous when there are major life changes ahead.  But no one wants to give the gift that's going to get stuck in the basement or sent to Goodwill.  Part of being a gracious recipient is taking the time to help the people who want to bless you.

A few tips:

• Register both online and at a brick-and-mortar.  Online is great for out-of-town friends and family. But if you're going to have an in-person baby or bridal shower, do the brick-and-mortar store as well.  You might be one of those people who gets an invitation and immediately orders a gift, but other people might not think of it until it's too late for shipping.  Plus, shipping is an added cost anyway. 
• Again, play to their strengths.  If Debbie asks you what you need and you honestly can't think of anything, ask about something Debbie's good at: maybe you've always wanted knitting lessons.  Or a sample menu plan.  Or someone with great style who will go shopping with you.  Or a coveted recipe.    Or maybe someone to register with you (oh my gosh, I wish I'd had this.  I had NO idea what I would actually use for baby things). 
• Start a wishlist.  I'm not saying you have to give it out to people...but every time you think "oh, someday I want one of those," jot it down or use Amazon's wishlist feature.  Then when people ask, you can refresh your memory.

What else does a gracious recipient do?  What makes your life easier as a hostess or gift giver?