What's in a word?

We tried an experiment a couple of weeks ago.  We tried to not use the word "good."  And boy, was it hard.  I never realized how often I use that word. 

"How was the meeting?"  "Good."  

"This is good food!"

"You pulled yourself up - good boy!"

"Good job eating another spoonful of carrots."

"It's a good day."

It got rather ridiculous, trying not to say it, because it punctuates every conversation.  And instead of a rich, deep meaning - because after all, God is good -- it's become a catchall term that can mean almost anything.  Pleasant, convenient, okay, fine, nice, tasty, strong, nondescript.  

In 1984, language is whittled down to remove most adjectives.  And "good" becomes a catch-all term that prevents people from thinking too much, feeling too much, desiring too much.  It's almost as if absent from words to describe them, deeper meanings can't exist.

I'm not really an alarmist or conspiracy theorist when it comes to language.  I'm not the type of person to freak out when someone wishes me a "happy holidays" or when a teenager apathetically mumbles "whatever."    But I do think language enables thought.  It allows the transportation of ideas.  

But more on the practical level, what does it say to Kekoa when I use "good" too often in my parenting?  That he's an upright boy for eating his vegetables.  That upper arm strength wins favor.  That "being good for the babysitter" means that as long as one behaves well, he is on morally stable ground.

That's legalism. That's teaching him that outward behavior is equal to righteousness, heart condition notwithstanding.  

Of course, not using the word "good" could also equate to legalism.  Anytime you're busy complying a list of "don'ts" that will enable a better/more successful/happier life, you're probably engaging in legalism on some level.  

BUT I want to use language as it was intended - to convey meaning.  So I'm trying to consciously describe my thoughts rather than lazily relying on the easiest term to come to mind.  For example, "be wise and calm" rather than "be good."  "Sunny and warm" instead of "good weather."  "I'm proud of how hard you worked" instead of "good job on your exams."

It's rather interesting - I find myself being much more specific in my praise.  And isn't that when I like when others praise me?  Don't I prefer "This soup is so creamy!" to "Good food"?  And isn't "you've been so patient!" more helpful to a kid to hear than "you've been so good"?

In the end, I find that when you strip away all the cheap meanings of "good," it opens up the rich, divine mystery of a moral, righteous, good God. 

Resolutions

New Year's Resolutions intrigue me.  Not because I like making them, and not because they produce any lasting change.

Here's my theory: people always have time for what they truly value.  If you truly love reading, you will find time to read.  If you truly value baking, then you will find time to bake (I don't, so I won't).  I've found that even the busiest of people have time for their special pleasure. 

When someone says, "I would really like to do x, but I just don't have time for it," then I know that they don't really want to do it.  They just want me to think they want to do it.

Recently someone saw me reading a book and said, "You're so lucky that you have time to read. I just don't have that kind of time."  It's true that I am blessed with large amounts of time right now (although now that Kekoa is more distractible while eating, I find that time slipping away!).  But this same person is nearly constantly posting on Facebook.  Surely 15 of those minutes could have been used on a book?  -unless of course, she didn't actually want to read a book, but felt that she needed to make an excuse. 

The same goes for New Year's Resolutions: they reveal what people think they should value.

For example: Joe says that his resolution is to lose weight and eat healthier.  That tells me that he thinks he should value his health.  But he doesn't actually value his health.  If he actually valued his health, then it wouldn't be a resolution so much as a way of life.  Our deepest priorities have a tendency of becoming a part of us - if you have to mechanically perform the motions, then you don't really care about it.  Self-discipline only takes you so far.

Do you want to make a resolution that will stick this year?  Your behavior will change when your beliefs and priorities do.  And it will have nothing to do with the new year. 
 
So anyway.  Resolutions are kind of treated as a joke in our culture.  But I find them far more telling.  They are the indicators of what our culture is and what we think we ought to be.

Perhaps more importantly, they indicate what we never will be.

From the time a little girl is about nine years old, the world finds it necessary to inundate her with talks, articles, lessons, and lectures on body image.  So of course every girl grows up hearing "you are beautiful no matter what you look like," which of course makes her wonder what she looks like and why everyone would question that she finds herself beautiful.

And so, most young women spend their time in their prime trying to achieve the perfect look.  Hint: a post-baby body is not the ideal.

Theoretically, a young mother should be at her most vulnerable.  Stretch marks.  Hair that's never neat because it's a perfect grip for little hands.   Abs that have forgotten that they're supposed to be muscles ("tone?  what's that??).  Red-rimmed, sandpapered, sleep-deprived eyes.

And after all the hard work of getting back into shape, you realize that you can lose the weight...but you will never be the same.

But gosh darn it guys, I *grew* a human being.

Kekoa is at the age where he can have preferences, and now that he is able to roll, scoot, and grab things, he can even express them.  And I find myself immensely gratified at how much he depends on me.

I'll put him on the floor for tummy time and lay down nearby to read.  And before I know it, there's a little baby snuggled into my side, reaching for my face.

I love the way he grabs my neck or arm at church as he socializes with all the ladies coming to coo at him, as if to say, "I've got my anchor.  Everything will be okay."

I love his post-naptime haze where he's trying to decide whether he likes the world again, and he burrows his face into my neck.

I love when  he's laying on the bed or couch as Josh and I talk.  He'll hook his foot up on my leg, or grab tight onto my fingers, and just watch.  And smile.

How can you have poor body image when you -- your warmth, your feel, your face, your fingers -- are the center of that little baby's world?  When all it takes to calm him down from a scary experience is your hand, heavy and warm on his back?  When he sees your face walking in the door and that little toothless grin breaks out in sheer, perfect joy?

Answer: you can't.  Because you are no longer the center of your thoughts and desires.  Because you care more about your baby than about other people's opinions.

Because your baby loves you.

Too Much Good Stuff

Lately I keep reading articles online, and thinking "Man, this is so good.  I have to remember this one."  And I have to share them too.  So here's a list of my favorites this month - seriously, give some of them a read.

1)  I once did a post on why the approach to purity taken with teen girls today just doesn't work.  This is probably the best article I've seen that sums it up: telling girls to be pure for their future husbands does them a serious disservice.

  "Christ is the source of everything we need and the giver of all good gifts … but in telling people about Him, it’s possible we’ve sold them on a solution for life’s problems and not life itself."

2)  From my political theory professor at PHC, the rhetoric of a culture "war" has done more harm than good.  So how do we change the culture?

"One solution looks primarily to the political arena for redress; the other, like the Good Samaritan, takes the wounded traveler and cares for him. Do you want to change the culture? Practice hospitality."


3)  Homeschoolers in particular really tout the family as their central values.  But should it be the center?  As a brand-new SAHM, this article is really challenging.   h/t my pastor for sharing it.

"But I found myself, while he described the feelings of idolatry---the sense that this is my whole life, this is what I live for, this is what I dream of, this is what completes me and gives me significance---thinking that, for me, this is family."

4)  Also shared by my pastor, this article addresses the issue of parenting with grace that I referenced earlier on my blog.

I begin by saying, "Remember how Jesus said we were to treat one another?"

"I'm not Jesus!" my oldest responds immediately, his face scrunched up as his feet stomp the tile floor.

5)  As I rediscover the love of reading, this article is a real challenge.  Both homeschoolers who overshelter their children and those who are eager to read all different viewpoints can take heed of this one.  We are not to isolate ourselves culturally...but we also aren't to confuse "engaging" the culture with unqualified enjoyment of the culture.

"Second, we've gone off the rails in confusing cultural engagement with consumerism and entertainment"

6)  Finally, remember my friend who I quoted on gourmet meals?  She posted this link, which is hands-down my favorite post EVER.  I swear they just changed the name of one of my facebook friends, who practically makes these posts verbatim.

"People continue to check Molly’s posts out of morbid curiosity.
“It’s an exercise in ‘How is my life inferior today?’” says one. “If it doesn’t kill you, it makes you stronger.”

The Feminist Homemaker

The homeschool generation has a very interesting dichotomy when it comes to feminism.  Half of my class has been raised in the idea that being a stay-at-home and homeschool mom is the only option.  If you choose to work instead, then you might as well be sacrificing your children.

Then there's the half that grew disillusioned with homeschooling and are rather embittered by the thou-shalt-homeschool attitude.  Like most "ordinary" people, they plan on having 2-3 children after waiting 4-5 years while they enjoy their lives as young married couples and get their fill of the career world.  Then they may or may not homeschool - that's a decision they will make depending on how their careers are going.

I was talking to an old college friend last month and I got the distinct impression that she viewed my decision to quit my job with a "yep, you've been brainwashed" attitude.

Neither side of the coin really seems to be interested in the choice.  Even the more "feminist" among them don't really care about what I *want* to do - they just assume my choice is due to family and social pressures.

I like my job.  And I'm really good at it.  In the past year I've made huge improvements to our office and I know that I could go far in the job world.  I have the highest recommendations.  For only having been in the working world for two years, I have a wide variety of experiences and knowledge and I am confident that I could learn other skills very quickly.

But you know what?  Being part-time has shown me that I really prefer the homemaking.  I love planning out our budget and pinching pennies so that we can pay off student loans as quickly as possible.  I love talking over our long-term spiritual, financial, and family goals with Josh, and coming up with ways to meet those goals.  I love planning for baby on a budget, cutting up old t-shirts and using them to sew re-usable wipes and little hats and mittens.   I like freezing big meal batches for later and packing Josh's lunch and stocking my pantry and having a sparkling bath tub.  I like going grocery shopping and surprising Josh with cinnamon rolls when he comes home after a long night in class.

At work, I do a lot of the same things.  I work within a budget and pay bills and play with numbers and look for ways to save money within the office.  I go shopping for office supplies and plan office parties once in a while and get resourceful with things we bought years ago and never used.  I make sure the office stays clean so that  our volunteers are comfortable.  And I enjoy it.  It's for a good cause.

But it's not for the people I love most.  Same type of work, but the pride I feel in having a clean desk space is not the same pride as when Josh is greeted with the smell of his favorite meal when he gets home.

I despise mopping and dusting.  I don't mind doing dishes, but someday I would really like a dishwasher.  And I know especially when baby comes there will be frustrating days, sleepless days, days when I feel trapped.

I have those days at work, too.

At work I can't cuddle with the two loves of my life to make it better.

So call me a feminist, because I made a decision based on what makes me feel best.  That just happens to be staying at home.  Or call me a victim of brainwashing, whichever you prefer.  Then I am quite happy being ignorant and "wasting" my talents to benefit my family.  Rather than earning an income, I can manage my home well.  I think that for our family, the financial benefits are actually better long-term.

If staying at home is a decision that would make you feel trapped, then by all means, you don't have to stay home.  You will only make your family unhappy.  But don't stay in the work force if you don't love it, just because you feel like it's the only way to maximize your potential.   I don't think the empowerment of women was supposed to mean grand careers.  It was meant to provide women with an option.

And I've chosen mine.

A Weekend at Holly Knoll

One of my friends works as the personal assistant for the president of an organization that owns a mansion.

At least, that's what she told us when she invited our college hallway down for a weekend.  She's an outdoorsy type of gal, so we assumed it was something kinda like a big cabin.  Then she said it had a river with a dock, and we could go swimming. That just strengthened our assumption.  But we should have realized that the South is a little different....

The house itself...the tree obstructs the view a little, but then,  MLK, Jr. wrote much of us "I Have a Dream" speech under it. So it stays.

The second story veranda - screened in to avoid bugs.

The first floor study

Second story sitting room (as opposed to the second story game room)

Third story sitting room, as well as the fully stocked, absolutely beautiful third story kitchen

The dock!

View down the staircase to the front entryway!

One of nine bedrooms

The riverfront.  One of the gals and I waded halfway across the river to Williamsburg  and we were still only waist deep.

Beautiful sunsets!

All in all, it was gorgeous and I felt well-refreshed (at least emotionally and spiritually - I didn't sleep a whole lot!) after it.  Each morning I was up 2-3 hours before anyone else, so I could sit on that gorgeous dock with my Bible or talk a walk or sit on the front porch with its six rocking chairs or read one of the many books scattered throughout the house.  On the second morning, I walked out on the dock only to find an otter already there in the water....I surprised him as much as he surprised me!

But even more, it was a sharp reminder of lifestyles and the choices we have made.  For that weekend, I ate fabulous food and lounged on comfortable furniture and had loads of girl-talk and watched movies.  And it was fun.  The social aspect of it was like being back in college (the food was way way better, of course).

It was nice to experience "the high life" for a while.  But in the end, it was nice to go back to my own lifestyle.  To go to work where I am personally invested in the organization and carry much of the responsibility for the internal workings.  To come home to our apartment, with its lack of a coffee table and noisy upstairs neighbors and have my husband greet me at the door with a kiss.  To cook our simple meals, sans wine or cocktails, but to cook them together and enjoy them together.  

Holly Knoll was beautiful and I'm really glad I went (and I have some good recipes now, too). But it wasn't sad to say goodbye.

Heaven on Earth

Josh and I are going through Philippians together and last night covered Philippians 2.  Philippians is a generally good book, but what stood out to me last night was verse 15:

"that you may be blameless and innocent, children of God without blemish in the midst of a crooked and perverse generation, among whom you shine as lights in the world."


The reference to lights of the world reminded me not only of the oft-quoted verse in Matthew 5, but also of Daniel 12:3:

"And those who are wise shall shine like the brightness of the sky above; and those who turn many to righteousness, like the stars forever and ever."


Daniel is talking about the end of time, a prophecy of the resurrection of believers into the eternal presence of God. In His presence, those saints will reflect the radiance of His glory.  Paul, on the other hand, is talking about the here and now.  In the midst of corruption and perversity, those saints who are blameless and innocent shine as lights.

A taste of heaven on earth?  I think so.  The refreshment of a saint living purely despite the surroundings can only be explained by the eternality dwelling within them.  The light of the world is not simply a "testimony" to unbelievers.  It is a glimpse of the transcendent, a taste of the divine. It is the immortal, God-fulfilled soul peeking out behind a mortal mask.

We often think of being the light of the world as being a draw to unbelievers, something that pulls them in.  We fail to recognize that just as often, to the degenerate human untouched by the Holy Spirit, the reflection of God's glory is repulsive.  But like Ezekiel, we must continue shining in the midst of a corrupt and perverse generation, not based on the results or the number of souls we can draw in, but because in so doing we will be offering the sacrifice of our faith to the Eternal God.

On the Prophet of this Age, Part II

I Corinthians Chapter 2 makes it clear that wisdom is directly from the Spirit of God, who makes clear to us the thoughts of God.  How amazing!  Read that again: the wisdom only accessible to believers is from the Spirit of God, revealing to us the innermost thoughts of God.  Incredible.  I just can't get over that.

God is love, so the wisdom that comes from Him can be characterized by nothing other than love.  If it lacks love, then it may be knowledge, intellectualism, intelligence, perception, or any number of things -- but not wisdom.

There is a guy I know who has a brilliant mind.  Most of his observations about American Christianity are dead on. But he expresses them in such a cynical, scornful way that most people are seriously offended.

Offense is not always a bad thing; sometimes it is necessary (ever met a person glad to hear about their sins?).  But the offense here is not in his message-- it is in his words, his bitterness. 

He was once railing on about an issue (which I agreed with him on), when someone told him that cynicism was just as bad. The response?  People called Jeremiah a cynic, too.

Hold it right there.  If you're going to compare yourself to a prophet of God, then your life had better emulate that prophet. Jeremiah suffered deeply because of his position.  He was beaten, threatened, slandered.  He was not allowed a wife or children.  And he grieved his heart out over the fate of his country.  He pled with God for mercy and grace on their behalf.  He pled with his people to change their ways for their own sake.  He genuinely suffered in the midst of his "cynicism" because of his love for the people.

Jeremiah translated his connection with God into harsh words of truth.  The truth hurts sometimes, but it has to be said.  However, there's a HUGE difference between speaking the truth out of scorn and speaking the truth because your heart is burning within you.

Let the prophet of this age note: if the truth that you have recognized is not accompanied by love on your part, then you do not have wisdom.  Keep your mouth quiet, because you are no prophet of God.  The true prophet of God -- and the only one who should be speaking on His behalf -- is the one who has the love of God in his soul and the wisdom of God in his heart.

On the Prophet of this Age, Part I

Today, upon the mention by an old friend of DL memories, I visited my Xanga for the first time in months. As I read the posts from my first step on campus to the beginning of my relationship, I had to smile.  The youthful naivete mingled with genuine insight and wholehearted faith left a very distinct flavor.  In some sense, I wish I was as wise now as I was then - for after all, it is the foolish that God has made wise!  I benefitted from reading those reflections spiritually.

On the other hand, they were the musings of a theologically and emotionally immature youth. The past three years have changed my understanding of the world, God's grace, and the light of eternity in ways immeasurable.  I have immersed myself in thinkers, philosophers, and the Word of God, and have chewed the meat and spit out the bones.  Perhaps the biggest impact my education had on me was spiritual, and that is by far worth the expense.

My first reaction was to chuckle at the incomplete-but-good-hearted thoughts of the college freshman.  But my second reaction was to ponder afresh the dangers of "wisdom" from education.

One of the necessary characteristics of the theory major is the tendency to view oneself as a prophet of the age.  With eyes opened to the rich tradition of the past, we students were sobered, disgusted, and terrified by the state of American evangelicism.  We recognize the shoddy theology, the detachment from any substantive thought, the lack of eternal perspective.  I started as a college student with a love for contemporary worship.  I graduated with a love for liturgy, church structure, and deep study of not only Biblical thinkers but secular theologians (a paradox it may seem - but then, one cannot help being a theologian).    We are all deeply impressed by a love for the Good, and thirst after a community, in which virtue is more easily inculcated.

Yet in my studies, I was continually surprised at the cynicism of those who supposedly had knowledge of such wonderful traditions.  It is amazing to me that those whose souls have come into contact with the rich traditions and thoughts of the past can disdain those who have not yet plumbed those depths.  They can quote the right thinkers; they can tell you why your theology is wrong and why your church is unbiblical.  Their intellectual arguments are well-crafted and in general, I agree with their conclusions.  But I cannot understand how they, who have seen the glory of God, can be so bitter in their assessment of others.  How they, having come to understand the errors of their thoughts, can have no patience for those who need to be trained.

Their message is lost because there is one thing they do not understand: knowledge is a poor substitute for virtue.  Is it not the devil himself who walked in the desert with the Son of God incarnate?  And did he not himself quote the Scriptures, the Word of God?

I have all too often watched my fellow theory majors thirst for knowledge, dig into their studies with the intention of "broadening the soul."  But the reputation for snobbery is, I'm afraid, well-deserved.  In their attempts to train their minds, they have failed to apply their vast amounts of knowledge to their lives. 

The well-learned man must be the virtuous man.  If he is not virtuous, then he is not well-learned, for he has missed the most important lesson of all.  He has failed to serve the Good and serves only himself.  In that failure, his knowledge has not passed into wisdom, which is the principle thing.


I find the naivete of the girl writing the Xanga posts rather refreshing, for she wrote from a mind which feared God.  With that base, one cannot help but to become well-learned under the tutelage of the Great Tutor.  Without that base, one can only accumulate knowledge, and never wisdom.

The Ache of the Unknown

Have you ever experienced the ache of things that you will never know?

The true conservative believes that God is at work in every culture, in every political system, in every nation. There may be systems that are more or less suited to curb man's sinful nature and ease the pain of throwing hundreds of sinners in a community together, but altogether no true conservative can completely discredit a nation as being outside of God's work. In fact, no true Christian can do that.

Which means, of course, that if a community is inside of God's work, then it is inside of God's beauty. Every culture -- though every culture has its own version of rampant immorality because people all have their own version of rampant immorality -- has in its own unique expression the unfettered glory of God. The language, the food, the marriage ceremonies...they all show undeniable evidence of the existence of God.

So then, I ache because I will never know it. There is beauty of God expressed in ways I will never be able to see, or that I will even be aware of. There are cultural traditions in which I will never partake.

The mystery of it is the diversity of God, too great for any one human being to comprehend.

But in the end, the ache is similar to the feeling of a sunset. That indescribable bittersweet sensation that makes you want to be a part of the sunset, that knows in a few minutes the sun will be gone and you are only glimpsing a second's worth of eternal beauty. I get that feeling when I experience another culture, because I know I am only touching a second of the eternal glory and work of God.