How to Spend a Fortune By Baking from Scratch

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Step 1: RSVP to party.  Ask what you can bring.

Step 2:  Make sure the host(ess) asks you to bring bread.

Step 3: Toy between buying bread and baking bread.  When the weather is cool earlier in the week, commit to baking bread.  Foolishly talk through your decision with someone who will be at party.

Step 4:  Ask a friend for a bread recipe.  Make sure (s)he swears it is the easiest, most foolproof bread recipe in the world.

Step 5:  Discover that the weather is in the mid-80s.  Reconsider buying bread.

Step 6:  Remember that you SAID you were going to bake bread and you can't let the masses down.

Step 7: Prepare the dough.  Use every last bit of your flour up. Notice that everything goes exactly as planned - this is gonna be great!

Step 8: Preheat the oven.  Cry.

Step 9: Put the dough in the oven.

Step 10:  Cry some more.  Dig portable fan out of closet.

Step 11: Discover that foolproof bread is doughy on the inside, almost burned on the outside, and flat.  And it smells like...yeast.

Step 12: Have a flashback to days with a newborn.

Step 13: Decide that no way, no how are you serving anything that can induce flashbacks to days with a newborn.

Step 14: Remember that all your flour is gone, so you can't bake anything else.

Step 15:  Discover that you forgot to turn the oven off.

Step 16: Go to store. Buy questionably fresh bread at astronomically high price.

Step 17: Remember that you had a salad for lunch.  Think about how small that salad was.

Step 18:  Buy the bread.  All the bread.

Step 19:  Unwilling to leave the store's air conditioning, walk up and down each aisle to prolong the visit.  Remember your empty flour container.  Buy more flour.

Step 20:   Visit the produce section.  Buy the produce.  All the produce.  Except the onions.  No onions.

Step 21:  Well, maybe green onions.

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