Love Another Child

I recently read the book Love Another Child, by the Jeubs. I didn't see anything I didn't agree with - children are a blessing, don't push them off until it's too late, open your heart to love them, etc.  But I feel that their message needs an added element: preparation.

Children are a blessing - yes.  Always a blessing - yes.  But they are not an unqualified blessing.  An unqualified blessing is one that is a blessing in all seasons of life, and equally desireable to all people.  But I find that to quite clearly and obviously false.  If it were, then there would be no problem with having children born out of wedlock.

That indicates that there is a certain amount of preparation that is needed to start having children.  I know married couples who are too selfish to be good parents - would having children be a blessing to them?  Surely they would love their children as blessings.  But if they don't have a strong marriage, I would caution them against having children. They are simply not equipped to parent well and will hurt their children with bitter fights between mom and dad.

Or what about this scenario? Josh and I are only just now figuring out how our spiritual gifts work together.  We are still talking over and praying about several aspects of our marriage that we would like to see develop more fully.  Would it be wise to introduce a child to our marriage before we've worked out how we can work together spiritually?

Josh and I would love to be parents.  But another factor for us is Josh's plans to attend grad school, working full-time and attending school at night - returning sometime between 10:30 and 11:00 each night.  He would simply not have the ability to be involved in the life of a child(ren), except on weekends (which will be his main study time).

Now, if we already had children, we would do what we needed to do to finish up and love that child as much as we could.  If we happened to have a child now, we would love him or her and make the necessary adjustments. But why knowingly walk into a situation in which both parents aren't fully able to take an active parenting role?  Isn't that, in a way, cheating the child of our presence?  Isn't it cheating each other in our still-developing marriage - if I'm consumed with caring for a baby in the few hours Josh is home, will our marriage continue to grow?

At work, I hear stories every day from both men and women who wish they hadn't been so quick to get pregnant.  They weren't prepared in their marriages.  They weren't knowledgeable enough about their spouse.  They weren't mature enough for parenting.  They were too busy meeting career goals to really parent. And something happened that ended in those children being taken away.  Their selfishness brought them back to their college drinking days.  Their spouse got caught bringing drugs into the home.  They handled a situation with a child in a poor way or left the child unattended, and the authorities found out.

And their hearts are broken.  They loved another child before they were prepared, and now they are  separated.  They don't regret having the child, because they truly genuinely love him.  But because they weren't prepared to take on a parenting role, both the child and the parent are suffering through a foster care experience.

Josh and I don't fear any of these scenarios for ourselves, but we do want to offer our children a loving home that is prepared for them.  We're not waiting until we have the perfect marriage (because kids will definitely  bring out new sides of us!) or until we can "afford" kids (what does that even mean, anyway?).  We're simply waiting until we can offer the time and a healthy, fruitful marriage to our children.  So we feel that at this point in our lives, the wisest thing we can do is focus our hearts and time into preparing our marriage and our home, before we take on the responsibilities of parenting.

Is it a time issue?  We're both young - most people our age have some college left to finish. We don't want to wait any longer than it takes Josh to finish grad school.  But I would say that even those couples several years older than us shouldn't rush into having kids just because their biological clock is ticking. They should have kids only after they have invested in each other enough that they can provide their kids with a stable home.  For some, that will take longer than others.  Some may even regret, at the end of the child-bearing lives, that they didn't have more kids.  But they will be better parents in the end, because they took the time to thoughtfully and purposefully prepare for parenting.  And I would say being a quality parent is more important than having lots of kids - even if you love every one - and your kids will be better-equipped in their own marriages and parenting.

It's not that I disagree with the Jeubs.  But I feel that something needs to be added more strongly to their message.  Children are to be loved, no matter what situation you are in financially or emotionally.  But don't go selfishly bringing them into a home because you want a child or want that "achievement", without taking into consideration the huge amount of time that you will need to invest in them and in your marriage.

Any comments on this?  Are my thoughts the thoughts of a naive non-parent? It's okay to say yes - I welcome correction from people who have parented before!