Today I found a "stress-test" in a book I was reading. The test listed out a variety of factors that cause stress in your life, and had the premise that if you scored over 300 points in any single year, you were vulnerable to illness. These factors encompassed changes that can happen in a year - from moving to graduating to marrying to financial situation to deaths to divorce to law violations to personal conflicts, etc., etc., etc.
Out of curiosity I added up my total from this point last year to the present time.
388.
So I added up Josh's total.
540.
We had a good laugh over that - apparently, we are both extremely vulnerable to illness and Josh in particular should have had a meltdown. And wedding planning and finals and job hunting weren't even on the list.
We're taking it as funny, and I'm not looking for sympathy. In my opinion, it's been a great year. But I fully agree that even though all the changes have been good, they've also been incredibly stressful, and I think a good point stands:
We are always ready to support those who have had bad changes in their lives. We bring flowers, lift them up in our prayers, and write encouraging notes.
Those who are undergoing happy changes are generally expected to be happy, and can generally find a lot less support and encouragement. I practically had panic attacks as I reached the end of my last semester (finals AND house-hunting AND job-hunting AND wedding planning was a bit too much), but it seemed that anytime I demonstrated anything less that pure excitement and joy, others questioned whether I was doing the right thing. Or they would tell me that my life was so good that I had no right to complain.
Obviously, our community has supported us (although there were an enormous difference in support from our older friends who have been through our experience and our younger friends who have not). Y'all have been great, and our successful navigation through the year is no doubt due to your continued prayers and support. But I just want to make the point again: watch out for the "happy" changes in people's lives as well as the "bad" ones. Chances are, they're just as stressed, but don't feel free to express those fears and doubts.
Sunday, February 27, 2011
Saturday, February 26, 2011
Time to Grow Up!
Today, whether reading Christian or secular sources, you will find all sorts of articles about my generation's failure to grow up. We're pushing off marriage, pushing off kids, pushing off responsibility, and staying as young as we can.
If forty is the new thirty, then thirty is the new twenty. And twenty is too young to be tied down with a husband!
You can tell us to get a grip. You can tell us to grow up. You can tell us that we're selfish, self-absorbed, and irresponsible. Most of these articles do that.
But you're not going to get anywhere with my generation if you don't get to the root of the issue.
Addressing the symptoms isn't enough. You can force a boy into marriage, but you can't make that marriage last. You can force him to move out, but you can't keep him out of debt. You can even frustrate him into having kids, but you can't make him a good parent.
No, you have to address the cause:
Remember the book The Greatest Generation? My Mom's disagreement with that book is that the greatest generation was the one that raised those people. The generation that had the best impact on society was the generation that taught their children how to rise up and meet challenges. The so-called "greatest generation" completely failed to pass it on.
I don't want to be harsh, but that applies to my generation as well. Do you wonder why my peers shrink at marriage? Because it started with the generation before us.
They were raised to think that marriage is limiting and that growing up is nothing but a pity.
Yes. My generation didn't arrive at this conclusion for themselves. They're really not smart enough for that. My generation was taught that it is better to be young.
If I had a nickel for every time I heard these statements:
"Just wait until you have to pay bills! Then you'll care about turning the lights off!"
"Enjoy being single! You'll never be free again!"
"Once you have kids, the honeymoon is OVER!"
"Ooooh, I'm achy. To be young again...and my waistline would be much smaller for sure"
"Remember when we were kids? Those were the days...carefree and fancy-free!"
As a teenager, I listened. I listened to the women at church talking about their problems with middle-age. I listened to the elderly complaining about their aches and pains. I listened to the dads talking, careworn with bills and payments. I saw the magazines: "Look 10 years younger in 3 easy steps!" And I got the message: young is good. Old (or even "older") is bad.
And I didn't want to grow up. It sounded stressful. I didn't want to get married. It sounded limiting. I didn't want kids, because then things would never be the same again. I was afraid to be older.
When I was about 15, I read a proverb about the glory of the silver-headed being wisdom. I realized then that every age has its drawbacks. But every age also has its own unique joys that are to be cherished and appreciated. And no age is better than another, because they all have their own special problems and benefits.
Parents, your children need to hear that from you. They need to hear what you LOVE about being your age - snuggling your children, growing with your husband and marriage, the special perspective of a mother that you wouldn't trade for the world. Yes, you might not be able to move as fast and your metabolism isn't quite the same. But isn't it worth it to watch your daughter mature into a young woman? Isn't it worth it to have your son run into your arms?
They need to know that. They need to know that when they grow up, it will be okay to be older, and that they will enjoy it. They need to know that, when you're walking with the Lord, 30 is great. 40 is great. 50 is great. They need to know that you are still learning, and that you are enjoying your life.
My generation can't grow up because they were taught to love their youth too much. They were taught that no benefits come with age. They've been taught to devalue wisdom and the experiences that bring it, and instead to value only independence and irresponsibility.
Selfish, self-absorbed, and irresponsible? Definitely. But raised to think so. So how do you fix it?
If forty is the new thirty, then thirty is the new twenty. And twenty is too young to be tied down with a husband!
You can tell us to get a grip. You can tell us to grow up. You can tell us that we're selfish, self-absorbed, and irresponsible. Most of these articles do that.
But you're not going to get anywhere with my generation if you don't get to the root of the issue.
Addressing the symptoms isn't enough. You can force a boy into marriage, but you can't make that marriage last. You can force him to move out, but you can't keep him out of debt. You can even frustrate him into having kids, but you can't make him a good parent.
No, you have to address the cause:
WHY is my generation having trouble growing up?
I don't want to be harsh, but that applies to my generation as well. Do you wonder why my peers shrink at marriage? Because it started with the generation before us.
They were raised to think that marriage is limiting and that growing up is nothing but a pity.
Yes. My generation didn't arrive at this conclusion for themselves. They're really not smart enough for that. My generation was taught that it is better to be young.
If I had a nickel for every time I heard these statements:
"Just wait until you have to pay bills! Then you'll care about turning the lights off!"
"Enjoy being single! You'll never be free again!"
"Once you have kids, the honeymoon is OVER!"
"Ooooh, I'm achy. To be young again...and my waistline would be much smaller for sure"
"Remember when we were kids? Those were the days...carefree and fancy-free!"
As a teenager, I listened. I listened to the women at church talking about their problems with middle-age. I listened to the elderly complaining about their aches and pains. I listened to the dads talking, careworn with bills and payments. I saw the magazines: "Look 10 years younger in 3 easy steps!" And I got the message: young is good. Old (or even "older") is bad.
And I didn't want to grow up. It sounded stressful. I didn't want to get married. It sounded limiting. I didn't want kids, because then things would never be the same again. I was afraid to be older.
When I was about 15, I read a proverb about the glory of the silver-headed being wisdom. I realized then that every age has its drawbacks. But every age also has its own unique joys that are to be cherished and appreciated. And no age is better than another, because they all have their own special problems and benefits.
Parents, your children need to hear that from you. They need to hear what you LOVE about being your age - snuggling your children, growing with your husband and marriage, the special perspective of a mother that you wouldn't trade for the world. Yes, you might not be able to move as fast and your metabolism isn't quite the same. But isn't it worth it to watch your daughter mature into a young woman? Isn't it worth it to have your son run into your arms?
They need to know that. They need to know that when they grow up, it will be okay to be older, and that they will enjoy it. They need to know that, when you're walking with the Lord, 30 is great. 40 is great. 50 is great. They need to know that you are still learning, and that you are enjoying your life.
My generation can't grow up because they were taught to love their youth too much. They were taught that no benefits come with age. They've been taught to devalue wisdom and the experiences that bring it, and instead to value only independence and irresponsibility.
Selfish, self-absorbed, and irresponsible? Definitely. But raised to think so. So how do you fix it?
Send the other message.
Sunday, February 20, 2011
Sense of Belonging
It may sound funny, but after four years of being here, I finally am starting to feel like we belong to the community. Not just the college community, but the community of our neighbors. I am finally starting to feel like we're contributors.
On Friday, we stopped to grab a bite after dinner after work and then went to a concert. And I saw not one, but two, of my AWANA girls throughout the course of the evening. Today on the way to church, some friends pulled up next to our car and waved. A visiting choir to our church brought some old friends we hadn't seen in a while. A college buddy of Josh's stopped us as we were leaving Costco.
I grew up in the"dog-and-pony" show, as my mom liked to call it. No matter where we went, there was someone who knew my mom who would report any negative behavior - and believe me, she heard about it! Skirts that were an inch too short, a thoughtless remark, an emotional outburst in public...busted. Somehow or another, word got back to Mom. Belonging to the community somehow didn't feel like such a privilege. :P
But now, having been transplanted, it is nice to have a place. It is nice to know the people I am shopping with, eating with, working with. It is nice to have that "small-town" feel, where you are not just another stranger.
And most of all, it is good to know that we belong here. It could be tempting to view this point in our lives as a transition period, a time when we're just waiting for Josh to finish grad school. It could be tempting to breeze along with superficial relationships and limited involvement in the lives of others.
But life is never transitional. Life is always the fullest right where you're at. The fact that life is always changing indicates that it never is - we must only learn how to create normalcy out of changing situations. A lot can change in a few months.
But our need for fellowship, community,and belonging never will.
On Friday, we stopped to grab a bite after dinner after work and then went to a concert. And I saw not one, but two, of my AWANA girls throughout the course of the evening. Today on the way to church, some friends pulled up next to our car and waved. A visiting choir to our church brought some old friends we hadn't seen in a while. A college buddy of Josh's stopped us as we were leaving Costco.
I grew up in the"dog-and-pony" show, as my mom liked to call it. No matter where we went, there was someone who knew my mom who would report any negative behavior - and believe me, she heard about it! Skirts that were an inch too short, a thoughtless remark, an emotional outburst in public...busted. Somehow or another, word got back to Mom. Belonging to the community somehow didn't feel like such a privilege. :P
But now, having been transplanted, it is nice to have a place. It is nice to know the people I am shopping with, eating with, working with. It is nice to have that "small-town" feel, where you are not just another stranger.
And most of all, it is good to know that we belong here. It could be tempting to view this point in our lives as a transition period, a time when we're just waiting for Josh to finish grad school. It could be tempting to breeze along with superficial relationships and limited involvement in the lives of others.
But life is never transitional. Life is always the fullest right where you're at. The fact that life is always changing indicates that it never is - we must only learn how to create normalcy out of changing situations. A lot can change in a few months.
But our need for fellowship, community,and belonging never will.
Sunday, February 13, 2011
My Smaller Vocabulary
Sometimes I feel like being a young married has robbed me of the meaning of some of my favorite vocabulary words. For example:
Me in May 2010: "Oh my goodness....I'm sooooo hungry all the time lately. I can't wait for lunch!"
Friend 1: "Haha yeah, me too! Sitting in class really works up my appetite! Wanna go grab lunch now?"
Friend 2: "In the meantime, have some almonds!"
Me now: "Oh my goodness....I'm sooooo hungry all the time lately. I can't wait for lunch!"
Friend 1: *casts furtive glance to friend2*
Friend 2: *timidly* "You're...hungry? ALL the time? Are you.... *whispers* eating for two?"
Me: *sigh*
Me in May 2010: "Oh, I'd really love some oranges right now. I've been craving them lately."
Friend 1: "Hmmm, you must be low in vitamin C. Here, have a vitamin."
Me now: "Oh, I'd really love some oranges right now. I've been craving them lately."
Friend 1: "OHMYGOSH YOU'RE HAVING CRAVINGS?!?!?!?!?"
Me in May 2010: *baby toddles by* "Awww, how cute"
Friend 1: "Awwwwww....look at those little ringlets!"
Friend 2: "I just want to pick her up and squeeze her!"
Me now: *baby toddles by* "Awww, how cute"
*awkward silence*
Friend 1: "so....you want any of your own?"
Friend 2: "Are you trying to tell us something?"
Me in May 1020: "Ugh, breakfast just didn't sit right in my stomach. I don't feel so great."
Friend: "Aw, I'm sorry...why don't you lay down until chapel?"
Me now: "Ugh, breakfast just didn't sit right in my stomach. I don't feel so great."
Friend: "You're.....SICK? In...the MORNING???"
The ironic thing is that most likely, when I AM thinking of announcing something, but am not quite ready to make that announcement or am not quite sure, I will probably be avoiding all suggestive terms. So the fact that I am telling you about my cravings should indicate that I am NOT craving pickles and ice cream.
Until then, I'll just have to deal with the sudden interest in all things relating to my appetite, my opinion of children, and anytime I'm just not feeling well.
Me in May 2010: "Oh my goodness....I'm sooooo hungry all the time lately. I can't wait for lunch!"
Friend 1: "Haha yeah, me too! Sitting in class really works up my appetite! Wanna go grab lunch now?"
Friend 2: "In the meantime, have some almonds!"
Me now: "Oh my goodness....I'm sooooo hungry all the time lately. I can't wait for lunch!"
Friend 1: *casts furtive glance to friend2*
Friend 2: *timidly* "You're...hungry? ALL the time? Are you.... *whispers* eating for two?"
Me: *sigh*
Me in May 2010: "Oh, I'd really love some oranges right now. I've been craving them lately."
Friend 1: "Hmmm, you must be low in vitamin C. Here, have a vitamin."
Me now: "Oh, I'd really love some oranges right now. I've been craving them lately."
Friend 1: "OHMYGOSH YOU'RE HAVING CRAVINGS?!?!?!?!?"
Me in May 2010: *baby toddles by* "Awww, how cute"
Friend 1: "Awwwwww....look at those little ringlets!"
Friend 2: "I just want to pick her up and squeeze her!"
Me now: *baby toddles by* "Awww, how cute"
*awkward silence*
Friend 1: "so....you want any of your own?"
Friend 2: "Are you trying to tell us something?"
Me in May 1020: "Ugh, breakfast just didn't sit right in my stomach. I don't feel so great."
Friend: "Aw, I'm sorry...why don't you lay down until chapel?"
Me now: "Ugh, breakfast just didn't sit right in my stomach. I don't feel so great."
Friend: "You're.....SICK? In...the MORNING???"
The ironic thing is that most likely, when I AM thinking of announcing something, but am not quite ready to make that announcement or am not quite sure, I will probably be avoiding all suggestive terms. So the fact that I am telling you about my cravings should indicate that I am NOT craving pickles and ice cream.
Until then, I'll just have to deal with the sudden interest in all things relating to my appetite, my opinion of children, and anytime I'm just not feeling well.
Saturday, February 12, 2011
Prince Charming
This article is a very short description of a very big problem. You would think that, driven by Hollywood stories as it is, this would be predominant in the dating circles (and it is). But courtship isn't exempt from the Prince Charming syndrome, either. In fact, in some ways, it goes even deeper because girls tend to think of courtship as a one-time chance. So they wait to start a courtship until it's the perfect guy standing in front of them.
I had a friend in college who was very committed to her idea of her perfect mate. He would come and they would instantly be attracted to each other. Her dad would love him. Her little brothers and sisters would worship him. Everyone would make comments to them- "Oh, you two are soooo perfect for each other!" He would be manly - he would play football, basketball, and know how to fix cars. He would be well-respected and friends with everyone. He would be funny, sweet, and would be able to dance.
My friend was very cute, was fun-loving, and had no shortage of guys who were willing to call on her. But she never gave them a chance. She turned down multiple dates, dance invitations, and coffee outings. As as I watched the guys who were being rejected, I saw quite a few that she got along with quite well. That she respected and enjoyed. That would be a good match. But because of her ideal, she couldn't even consider anyone else.
I wonder sometimes if she will ever get married. It's not that no one would want to marry her - I know half a dozen guys who would love the chance. It's that she'll never find what she's looking for, and she'll never "settle" for less.
Moms, you've got to help your girls understand this. There's no such thing as a "perfect" match - at least, not perfect in the way we picture it. I always pictured myself marrying an introvert who liked to read, and we would be able to read together and talk about our favorite books. I had to let go of that picture. But I'm very happy.
Love isn't an irresistible attraction. It's not something you "just can't help." You can choose to love someone, and you can choose to not love someone. That's not to say you should marry someone you're not attracted to, but you shouldn't expect that attraction to be full and complete. No matter who you marry, there will be areas of his personality and habits that you're just NOT attracted to.
But it's a choice - are you willing to let those expectations stand in the way of what can otherwise be a very healthy and happy relationship?
I had a friend in college who was very committed to her idea of her perfect mate. He would come and they would instantly be attracted to each other. Her dad would love him. Her little brothers and sisters would worship him. Everyone would make comments to them- "Oh, you two are soooo perfect for each other!" He would be manly - he would play football, basketball, and know how to fix cars. He would be well-respected and friends with everyone. He would be funny, sweet, and would be able to dance.
My friend was very cute, was fun-loving, and had no shortage of guys who were willing to call on her. But she never gave them a chance. She turned down multiple dates, dance invitations, and coffee outings. As as I watched the guys who were being rejected, I saw quite a few that she got along with quite well. That she respected and enjoyed. That would be a good match. But because of her ideal, she couldn't even consider anyone else.
I wonder sometimes if she will ever get married. It's not that no one would want to marry her - I know half a dozen guys who would love the chance. It's that she'll never find what she's looking for, and she'll never "settle" for less.
Moms, you've got to help your girls understand this. There's no such thing as a "perfect" match - at least, not perfect in the way we picture it. I always pictured myself marrying an introvert who liked to read, and we would be able to read together and talk about our favorite books. I had to let go of that picture. But I'm very happy.
Love isn't an irresistible attraction. It's not something you "just can't help." You can choose to love someone, and you can choose to not love someone. That's not to say you should marry someone you're not attracted to, but you shouldn't expect that attraction to be full and complete. No matter who you marry, there will be areas of his personality and habits that you're just NOT attracted to.
But it's a choice - are you willing to let those expectations stand in the way of what can otherwise be a very healthy and happy relationship?
Saturday, February 5, 2011
Why Smatterings?
Why name my blog smatterings? I am ever more deeply reminded of why I chose that name as I wrestle with the memories of my courtship experience and how to extract, clarify, condense, and explain the many lessons I learned.
"Smatterings" is defined as "a small, scattered amount or number," or "slight or superficial knowledge." He speaks a smattering of French. She has a smattering of of freckles. There is a smattering of left-handed people.
There is a difference between being smart, being intelligent, and being wise. Smartness is head knowledge. You can be street-smart, a smart mathematician, smart in geography. It means you know a lot and retain information. My (big) little brother is smart in sports stats.
Intelligence is how quickly you learn. An intelligent person picks up on systems and patterns and organizes information in a way to be able to retain it -- or at the very least, to know how to find it again. Intelligence allows you to grasp concepts and see possibilities that mere knowledge wouldn't allow. In short, "smartness" is an information collection and intelligence is the system by which that information is processed; the efficiency of the system affects the speed at which it can be processed. Thus, intelligent people are generally smart, but we all know that is not always the case. :P
Without wisdom, however, they both are useless. Wisdom allows you to apply that information to life situations. It allows you to view information through the light of abstract concepts. It allows you to bring information to a moral conclusion. It allows you to choose to overlook certain facts. It is wisdom that allows you to someone as an immortal soul.
With so much involved in learning, it is no wonder that most people only have a smattering of knowledge and even less have wisdom. I am deeply aware that the more I read, the more I learn, the more I comprehend, I have only scratched the surface. But it is also deeply impressed in me the minor importance of intelligence and smartness compared to wisdom. The first two are limited: no matter how much knowledge you gain, you will always be ignorant. There will always be subjects you don't even know exist. There will always be updates that makes your knowledge obsolete.
Wisdom, however, is timeless. But it, even more than the others, is a choice. You must choose to comprehend. You must make the effort to process your information in a way that increases wisdom. And you must decide to seek the source.
Like the others, it's an eternal search on this earth. You will never be all-wise. But unlike the others, wisdom never stops benefiting you. It is never outdated.
So..."Smatterings." I will only ever have a smattering of knowledge. But it is my intention to take those smatterings and process them in a way that gives a deeper comprehension. It is my choice to use those smatterings in the search for the good, the true, and the beautiful.
"Smatterings" is defined as "a small, scattered amount or number," or "slight or superficial knowledge." He speaks a smattering of French. She has a smattering of of freckles. There is a smattering of left-handed people.
There is a difference between being smart, being intelligent, and being wise. Smartness is head knowledge. You can be street-smart, a smart mathematician, smart in geography. It means you know a lot and retain information. My (big) little brother is smart in sports stats.
Intelligence is how quickly you learn. An intelligent person picks up on systems and patterns and organizes information in a way to be able to retain it -- or at the very least, to know how to find it again. Intelligence allows you to grasp concepts and see possibilities that mere knowledge wouldn't allow. In short, "smartness" is an information collection and intelligence is the system by which that information is processed; the efficiency of the system affects the speed at which it can be processed. Thus, intelligent people are generally smart, but we all know that is not always the case. :P
Without wisdom, however, they both are useless. Wisdom allows you to apply that information to life situations. It allows you to view information through the light of abstract concepts. It allows you to bring information to a moral conclusion. It allows you to choose to overlook certain facts. It is wisdom that allows you to someone as an immortal soul.
With so much involved in learning, it is no wonder that most people only have a smattering of knowledge and even less have wisdom. I am deeply aware that the more I read, the more I learn, the more I comprehend, I have only scratched the surface. But it is also deeply impressed in me the minor importance of intelligence and smartness compared to wisdom. The first two are limited: no matter how much knowledge you gain, you will always be ignorant. There will always be subjects you don't even know exist. There will always be updates that makes your knowledge obsolete.
Wisdom, however, is timeless. But it, even more than the others, is a choice. You must choose to comprehend. You must make the effort to process your information in a way that increases wisdom. And you must decide to seek the source.
Like the others, it's an eternal search on this earth. You will never be all-wise. But unlike the others, wisdom never stops benefiting you. It is never outdated.
So..."Smatterings." I will only ever have a smattering of knowledge. But it is my intention to take those smatterings and process them in a way that gives a deeper comprehension. It is my choice to use those smatterings in the search for the good, the true, and the beautiful.
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
Back to Basics, part 1
High school. What do you do with it?
A lot of my ideas about courtship formed while I was in high school. It was very easy to let them form, too - I was very withdrawn and didn't have many guy friends (actually, I didn't have all that many friends in general, so it wasn't really about the guys), so there wasn't much to keep me from thinking that my courtship would be ideal. Ironically, the one thing that helped me make guy friends was playing Josie Pye in Anne of Green Gables. All that flirting gave me something to laugh about with the guys! And since I almost never appeared on stage with other girls, I usually ended up having my backstage waits/practice sessions with the guys.
The next year, starting debate, I found myself spending most of my friend time with the two guys in debate with me, and we quickly became fast friends. Still, the fact that we were the three amigos meant that I never had the answer the question: what do you do about one-on-one time with guys that are just friends? Are you putting yourself in an awkward situation? This was never something that came up for me in high school.
As I've been thinking about this, I've been hard-pressed to come up with an answer because the experience in college is completely different. At an age where marriage suddenly becomes an imminent possibility, things change. But there are a few basic principles that I'd like to point out before I get back to thinking about it.
A lot of my ideas about courtship formed while I was in high school. It was very easy to let them form, too - I was very withdrawn and didn't have many guy friends (actually, I didn't have all that many friends in general, so it wasn't really about the guys), so there wasn't much to keep me from thinking that my courtship would be ideal. Ironically, the one thing that helped me make guy friends was playing Josie Pye in Anne of Green Gables. All that flirting gave me something to laugh about with the guys! And since I almost never appeared on stage with other girls, I usually ended up having my backstage waits/practice sessions with the guys.
The next year, starting debate, I found myself spending most of my friend time with the two guys in debate with me, and we quickly became fast friends. Still, the fact that we were the three amigos meant that I never had the answer the question: what do you do about one-on-one time with guys that are just friends? Are you putting yourself in an awkward situation? This was never something that came up for me in high school.
As I've been thinking about this, I've been hard-pressed to come up with an answer because the experience in college is completely different. At an age where marriage suddenly becomes an imminent possibility, things change. But there are a few basic principles that I'd like to point out before I get back to thinking about it.
- First things first: the parents are the authority. So as a high school girl, if the parents want limited interactions with guys, then you've just got to trust that God will work through that.
- Preparation for marriage begins from birth. Even toddlers are getting ideas about what marriage looks like from their parents. So even high schoolers who will not be in a relationship until ready for marriage shouldn't block it completely from their consciousness. It's okay to identify characteristics in guys that you want to see. It's okay to be thinking about marriage in high school. It is NOT okay to obsess about it, or to let anything distract you from joy in Christ.
- In all things, your goal is to treat others with God's love. Ignoring them is not okay. Neither is hanging out exclusively with other girls, giggling and acting silly (which tends to make guys uncomfortable). Not that it's wrong to be silly -- but we do owe others the courtesy of saving those moments when we're alone with our friends!
- Common sense - if you're not in a relationship, why would you lead someone to think that you were? Why would you encourage someone to think they were in one with you? At times, I did run errands or spend time talking with various guy friends, but the focus was not in spending time together, but in serving someone else. On the few occasions I ended up at coffee or grabbing a bite to eat with a guy friend, it wasn't because we had sought to be alone together. It was because our moms were together and we had time to kill, or we had both been sent to pick up siblings from an event that was running late, or something similar. And those times were great, and I strengthened my friendships with these great brothers of mine. But notice the emphasis was NOT on spending exclusive time together.
Just a few thoughts, to be yet pondered and expanded. Feel free to make comments/ask for clarification.
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